God in my

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

- Be My Everything, Tim Hughes

I was told last week that I had unquestioning faith. I don't think that is true. I question all the time. But like this song, God is in my questions. He is in everything I do. These two stanzas of this song have been the past semester for me. Watching, waiting, hoping, weeping, hurting, healing. I don't think I have ever felt closer to God than in this last fall. I have such a sense of calling inside me that cannot be fulfilled anywhere except theatre. And where there is theatre, there is God. I am not sure of most things but I know, I know He is in theatre and that is where I continue to find Him.

Merry Christmas

To the Spectators

I've been thinking.
Maybe truth is beautiful in art to the person that looks and sees it.
To the spectator, audience, reader, watcher.
But to the artist, the truth in the art they have created can be horrible and terrifying and not beautiful at all.

That is the only way this book will make sense to me.

I can't get it out of my head.

"It is not a pretty world"

"I should have destroyed them. Who needs them? What good are they going to do the world? I had painted them; wasn't that enough? No it wasn't enough. They had to be moved into the public arena. You communicate in a public arena; everything else is puerile and cowardly."

"I had not even myself been aware of their power."

"I looked at my right hand, the hand with which I painted. There was power in that hand. Power to create and destroy. Power to bring pleasure and pain. Power to amuse and horrify. There was in that hand the demonic and the divine at one and the same time. The demonic and the divine were two aspects of the same force. Creation was demonic and divine. Creativity was demonic and divine. Art was demonic and divine. The solitary vision that put new eyes into gouged-out sockets was demonic and divine. I was demonic and divine."

"Be a great painter; that will be the only justification for all the pain you will cause. But as a great painter I will cause pain again if I must. Then become a greater painter. But I will cause pain again. Then become a still greater painter. Master of the Universe, will I live this way all the rest of my life?"

- My Name is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok

This book has changed the way I think about truth and art and God and their completeness in each other.

One thing I Love: Rita MacNeill. For some reason she just makes me really happy.
Song:
I've Got the World on a String by Michael Buble

Musings of a Different Day

The world around me lives, when I am silent
The things around me breathe, when I am still
Motionless I lay, watching the shadows play without me
I can only be.
Summed up in its entirety
is my life before me.
It would be a lie to run away.

I used to think that truth was beautiful. To see something or read something that is true was to see beauty in it.

I don't think that anymore.

I don't know what I think.

The truth is often painful and not beautiful or gratifying at all. Truth reaches and touches something of my soul that is sacred, yet not accepted.

Fools, the Lot of You

I'm reading My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok right now. I had to read The Chosen last year for an English course which he also wrote. That was the best book I read for that course hands down. If you have never read Potok before, you MUST. You MUST read him. He is a very gifted writer with many important stories to tell.

That's really all I have to say about it. And now a little poem for you.

When did we become so orderly

When did 'son' become the new slang

When did we decide neat boxed houses were the best way to reside

Did we even know we had a choice?

When did wrong become right

When did we decide that living lonely is better than living loving

Who tells us we have spots when all we see are stripes?

One Thing I Love: comfortable silence between friends
Song of the Day:
Heart by Stars

Myth stuff

My fear has frozen me

Awakening in cold sweat, still

Unable to move with the thoughts swirling through my head

I am motionless

I am the turning point, can't you see my careful actions

Oh Heavens how can I reach you?

What could I ever do to be with you?

Pour out your cries of pain to me all the Earth

I will hold you in your brokenness

What if stillness never comes?

What if stillness isn't here and everything I work towards is meaningless.

My cause isn't worth all my sacrifice and toil

Suddenly nothing makes sense anymore

Feelings of betrayal and pain take over and I begin to grope towards the door.

I stop and feel the strength come back

Up down up down

I find the power to hold your burden in my arms

I know that there is hope for you yet.

One Thing I Love: coffee shops with free internet. A student's friend.
Song of the Day:
Money, Money, Money by Abba

bits of Ryn. Ran.

Oh how the anguish.
What pain must you have suffered.
If my pain grows so deep and feeds such hungry desires,
then how must your pain have felt?
Did He forsake you?
The darkest hour of history it had to be
Suffering and pain co-exist.
I know this because that has been my experience
Congratulations to you all,
you have found your hopes and dreams in this little endeavour
May you learn and grow in different ways as I have
May you be gloriously rewarded and may all come to see your final product
May you understand the lonely process and the misunderstanding that must, oh it must, ensue.
Glad to have been of help.
Remember the love we have for one another.

Where does the good go?

Christmas Carol

Song of the Day:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Oh ye brilliant literature

I'm writing a paper tonight and I was in the zone, researching and all, but I came across this quote about Ibsen and I have to share it.

"Ibsen's message to you is- If you are a member of society, defy it; if you have a duty, violate it; if you have a sacred tie, break it; if you have a religion, stand on it instead of crouching under it; if you have bound yourself by a promise or an oath, cast them to the winds; if the lust of self-sacrifice seize you, wrestle with it as with the devil, and if, in spite of all, you cannot resist the temptation to be virtuous, go drown yourself before you have time to waste the lives of all about you with the infection of that fell disease."

And it goes on. I wish I could write out the entire essay. So interesting. If you've read any of Ibsen you will understand this, if you haven't, hopefully this will make you curious.

Stop signs are optional

No they aren't. I saw one today and that's the first thought that came to my head.
Then I slammed on my brakes.

Silence no longer.
There is a God.
Whose love for me is deeper than I could ever imagine.
And who answers the deepest desires of my heart with far better things than I could ever hope for.

I should practise intercession more often.

Song of the Day:
SILENCE. NO SONG.

Forbidden Art

I was explaining to a friend yesterday that I went to see a performance of Handel's Messiah and he gave me the weirdest look. I gave an astonished one back.

"You don't know what the Messiah is?"

"Karyn, not everyone grew up in choir like you did"

"I'm pretty sure Handel's Messiah is one of most well known pieces of music ever written. At least in our Western world."

I brought it up at family dinner tonight and my entire family, including grandparents, agree that the Messiah is a well known piece of music. Not to mention incredibly beautiful and breathtaking.

This got me to thinking. How are we educating our children in regards to the arts? Are they even being educated? As a Christian and an artist, am I showing Christ and truth in my art? Is the Messiah a piece of truth that reflects Christ and should be known?

I came across an article in the latest Christianity Today issue discussing the use of the Messiah in China. The Chinese government decided that "sacred music should disappear". The author of the article states that "the Messiah is one of the greatest examples of Western music; it is also one of the greatest expressions of the gospel (the libretto is pulled directly from Scripture)". Despite this, the government has started to ban seemingly Western sacred pieces such as Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, Brahm's Requiem, and Mendelssohn's Elijah. "While good music is valuable in itself, Christians contribute transcending value when they create beautiful art that carries the gospel" is the central idea or theme of this article and I have to say that I completely agree. There is something in the truth and sometimes awful grace of Christianity that brings us right to our knees in awe of the ultimate Creator. It outrages me that a government with such fundamentally high standards of living would find it acceptable to cut out an important art form from their society. John Nelson, a maestro who has performances around the world is quoted in this article. China may need to see action, "like Nelson's, to cultivate Christian art on the highest level- art for an audience of more than one, art that strives to be something with a long half-life, art that strives to be art, not propaganda. There is no small risk involved, because we never know at the time which art will, in fact, last. Yet despite the risk and difficulty, some of us should be deliberately creating it."

I think for me it is a little bit of both. Part of me is deliberate in creating art and what I create and another part knows that I need to, and out it flows, like it is the most natural thing in the world to me. It makes my heart sad that we live in a world where governing officials have say over what kind of art is created. Knowing that makes me want to create even more. What point is there in holding truth back from a group of people? None.

I will create because He first created, "If we love God with heart, soul, mind, and strength, the church as it worships will contribute to our cultures' riches. And it will have given people the means and motivation to praise God, even in the most unlikely places".

One thing I Love: prayers being answered
Song of the Day:
Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay

Teleology

"Teleology is the philosophy of ends, the idea that there is a design or purpose in the world, that things must be understood relative to an end".

- Unknown. It was on a card I got opening night.

Let it sink in.

One Thing I Love: silence
Song of the Day:
Boogie Down by MGMT

MYTHIFICATION

MYTHIFICATION opens tomorrow at Trinity Western University. It runs this week only from Wednesday to Saturday. Come see a student created piece of work.

You ARE missing out if you do not go.

www.twu.ca/theatre

Philosophy of...

"If pain and action are inseparable, then it follows that the active, creative, sensitive man is doomed to suffer. He is the one who knows that the desire to express or to avoid grief is the impelling force of life- that pain is the Janus-face of joy; but then he becomes aware of the duality of all value. He sees that life and action exist in a perpetual tension between opposites, each of which owes its existence to the presence of the other. This tension is the source of all change and growth, for as night exists only in contrast to day, so night flows eternally into day and day to night again. The life of the race is perpetuated in the flow of natural process from birth to death to birth again; the life of the individual man moves from joy to pain to joy eternally."

- Doris V. Falk, Eugene O'Neill and the Tragic Tension

Eugene O'Neill is my favourite playwright. The more I research modern playwrights the more I realize they were more philosophers of life than playwrights. Or maybe that's what playwrights are. In any case, O'Neill's philosophy much coincides with my own and I feel a kindred connection to this man of sorrow. I don't want to explain this piece of writing because I do not think that is the reason for art. I want to admire it and let it stand on its own. So I will. Take what you will from this. Thirst over it. Taste it fully and let it devour the pains of hunger in your soul.

One Thing I Love: communion
Song of the Day:
Numb by Linkin Park

A Thing of Writing

That's what I called this. Here's part of a journey i've been on:

"I just want to hold you in your brokenness. Pour out your screams and cries of pain. Leave your burden in my arms. Let me take it. Let. Me. Love. You. That is not impossible. Where is your willing heart? Where is the man I once knew? You have turned to selfish boyish ways that reflect your pride and your hurt. How cowardly, how haughty of you. But I am not angry. I am not movable. I am hurt but not shaken. I know that there is hope for you yet".

This semester I have felt a theme of silence in my life. This is written to someone who, in the last 5 months has silenced me almost completely from their life. I have fought and struggled with silence for the last few months and I still cannot tell you where I stand. Is is good or bad? Right or wrong? When is good? When is bad? Is is necessary?
The answer to all these questions in my head is "I don't know". Because I don't.

When you are forced into silence it causes you to retreat inward where many things are brought forth. Because of my silencer, I have realized many things. The most important being that it does not matter what they do, I could never love them any less. I've learned how to communicate without using words and from a distance. I have learned the power of prayer and the closeness it brings to God. I have also learned the importance of sorrow. When you look at when Jesus walked here, he was filled with sorrow. Laden with it in some sense. I think that the closer we get to God, the more tears we will shed. Tears are a huge form of worship to me.


One Thing I Love: my profession
Song of the Day:
Sugar by The Archies

Sigh

"last published on Oct. 24"

The first words I read when I sign in. That's depressing. Ah well i'm here now, back in all the old familiar places, ready to bare my soul again to you internet.

First thing is first, if you missed Mourning Dove at Pacific Theatre you should be thoroughly depressed. Because it was one of the most thought provoking pieces of theatre I have seen. Fantastic. My guy friends that came even cried it was so emotional. Very very well done. I can't say it enough.

Now if you want a mediocre piece of theatre, make your way to Studio 58 where you can see The Merchant of Venice running for two more weeks I believe. Some excellent, raw acting without the other elements of theatre. Which I found to be quite distracting. No set, only skirts for some of the ladies for costumes, and, get this, they had prompt books. From graduate students I have to say that I was expecting more. Not having some of the essential parts of theatre made me question whether it really was theatre or not. I was basically watching what could have been a rehearsal with actors calling for lines and sitting around the edge of the stage. For the most part I was unimpressed.

Now if you want to see an absolutely incredible piece of art, may I suggest coming to see Mythification by Trinity Western Theatre Department. It runs from Nov. 26-29 with a matinee on Saturday. For tickets or further enquiries www.twu.ca/theatre is where you want to go. Now I am a tad biased as I am in the show but that means if I so choose I can leak secrets of the story to you. You just have to show me your ticket first. HA.

One Thing I Love: vanilla air fresheners
Song of the Day;
Fljotavik by Sigur Ros

Show Listings

Couple of shows you should probably go see. And by probably I mean must.

Tartuffe- Trinity Western University Theatre Department
Runs Oct. 22-Nov. 1
Check out the website for more details.

Mourning Dove- Pacific Theatre
Oct. 17-Nov. 15
"Inspired by the Robert Latimer story, this challenging work explores the dilemma faced by a Saskatchewan farm couple whose teenage daughter is wracked by severe and unremitting pain. Can the doctors’ best efforts relieve her suffering? Or should her father pursue another, final alternative? Who gets to play God? A complex play that confounds easy sentimentality with bracing humour, even in the face of great suffering."
CHECK IT OUT

There you have it. Two shows that are a must see. Of course there are many more this fall. Those are just taste tests.

One Thing I Love- coming home to my roomate
Song of the Day-
Masochist by Ingrid Michaelson

I had a request...

...that I post something that reflects me. Personally I hope all my writing reflects me otherwise I don't think it would be my writing.

For MYTH (current show/project) we have been keeping journals so I looked through and one of the projects I found that we had to do was to write as a witness. To observe something in its natural state and try to write about it completely objectively. So here it goes. Points to the person who guesses what I'm writing about (it's in nature).

Wind its way up the tree, soft and settled
Engulf the branches, simply, without organization
No movement, still as the tree itself
Sunlight falls in select spots
Poised in creation
Grow and live in a peaceful rest

This was such a hard assignment for me. I felt like I failed miserably. The great thing about writing is that there's so much room for experimenting and changing and rewriting. Nothing is set in stone. That piece has been edited a couple times already and I still feel a little unsatisfied. Such is the nature of the art.

This next one is a monologue that I wrote during the rehearsal process in response to a cast member's experience.

Watch me leave because that is what I am doing. Not to spite you, and certainly not because I hate you. But out of love for you. You may not understand that, you may not want that but I am not concerned right now with what you want. It's what you need that I care about most.
Your broken heart is breaking mine and all of a sudden there are no more words for you. My silence is my solace. My gift. My relief.
Maybe you don't need words right now either. Or maybe I don't know what you need or what you want. Maybe I don't even know you at all.
Or maybe, maybe this is all useless and I should just leave.

One Thing I Love: Sunshine and rain at the same time
Song of the Day:
Love Always Remains by MGMT

Fours

4 Things I Did Today

1. I wrote. This is important to me. Even though I didn't like what I wrote, I still wrote. And edited. And got frustrated. All part of the process.

2. I listened to people. Really listened to them. That's not an easy thing to do and I have to consistantly train myself to because it is not in my nature. I learn so much from other people when I listen.

3. I prayed.

4. I went swimming. My dorm had a little outing. How fun. We had a great time.

4 Things on my To Do List

1. Start writing major papers.

2. Do laundry

3. Acquire loonies to do laundry

4. Get tickets for upcoming shows (I will announce soon)

4 of my guiltiest pleasures

1. Going to McDonalds late at night. Seriously. It has got to stop, it's gotten out of hand. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Freshman 15 came to bite me in the ass in Second Year. Literally.

2. Trying on and sitting in my snowboard gear to get stoked for the season. That happened today. Twice.

3. Snowboarding magazines. They will be the reason i'm broke, not tuition.

4. Buying toques. No one can convince me that I have enough. There's always one more that I don't have.

4 Random Thoughts

1. Bunnies aren't really that cute. They just have a cute name.

2. America's Next Top Model is a great show to get character ideas from. The most interesting people are chosen for that show.

3. I don't know how i'm going to sleep when my roomate is gone this weekend. She's my rock.

4. I found out today that Pirandello wrote a play called "Naked". I have to read it. That's a loaded name if I ever saw one.

One Thing I Love: sharing my story
Song of the Day:
Soft Rock Star by Metric

A nice day in the woods

I'm certain that the events of yesterday will forever go down in my mind as one of the best rehearsals I have ever been to.
Well at least the most eventful.

It started just as most of our rehearsals start. Everyone frenzied and focused on settling down. Each of us cast members has an opportunity to lead a rehearsal and the girl leading yesterday decided it would be a grand idea to take us to a forest like place just off of campus.
So off we trouped, drove actually, and ended up in this beautiful, enchanted place. You could almost touch the peaceful atmosphere. The trees were far enough apart that light shone through in all the right places.
The ultimate place to have a mythical rehearsal.
We started to explore.
And when I say explore I mean get into character, relate to one another, relate to the nature around us.
Oh maybe I should mention the fact that we were all dressed in characters. So the only male in the cast had dirt all over his face and ripped clothing. I had leaves and flowers in my hair and there were three greek goddesses among us as well.
This must have been quite the sight and sound, as we were yelling and crying as well, to the neighboring people because a couple dropped in on us to tell us that someone had called the cops.
Apparently there were concerns that people were being raped and pillaged and those people were us. And sure enough as soon as we finished talking to them we heard the sirens.

As we were frantically gathering up our things the cops drove up and came to investigate.
Our director talked them out of thinking we were all mad, which i'm not quite sure that we're not, and off we went on our merry way.

I'm leading rehearsal next week.

I can't top that.

One Thing I Love: community. We couldn't exist without it
Song of the Day:
Kids with Guns by Gorillaz

White noise

I have no words.
All I hear is silence.

One thing I love: Christ.
Song of the Day:
Rootless Tree by Damien Rice

Creativity

These are my thoughts, in no particular order. You can feel honoured that you were part of the rehearsal process.

God created, therefore I will create.
Nothing to be scared of, no judgements.
Just ideas.
I am a creative person. I am a creator.
For the Bible tells me so.
I am in awe of the ability to create.
Who utilizes their ability to create?
Who understands that they CAN create?
I am fulfilled in creating.
MYTH is changing my life, already has, in how I view other people (always changing) and how I view myself.
I am worthy of this opportunity.
I am worthy of creating.
Thank you for laughter. For words. For sound.

Cup of Kiss

There's a person who attended Trinity last year with me and unfortunetly my first year was their last so this year I stand alone.
So here's to the one who loved my sinful self last year


Please come see through these miles to me

I need your wisdom and brotherly advice

Your laughter is healing

Comfort

Upside down worlds with no absolute answers

Always questions

Adventures with no boundaries

Love that's worth having

Life that's worth living

Brilliance in its purest form

This is what you've taught me

Friend.

One Thing I love: brothers, real and pretend
Song of the Day:
Fljotavik by Sigur Ros

Something New

"But forget all that- It is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland".
Isaiah 43:18-19

You know when you're on the brink of something? Well I think i'm on the brink. Of what? I do not know but my rehearsals are getting me so excited for this semester and this show.
Our show and characters are created completely from Scripture. How can this show not be God ordained? I feel like he has been at every step in this process so far. We are creating something completely new with this show but I think that is only because there is something new being created within us. And I am beginning to see glimpses of it.
He is glorious through our mess.

One Thing I Love: being made to read scripts.
Song of the Day (still on Ben Harper):
I Shall Not Walk Alone by Ben Harper

I'm a creator

I did a colour test. These were my results.

You're a CREATOR

Key Words:

Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional

These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

I would say that's fairly accurate. Maybe not the romantic side so much. And all I did was click on colours.

One Thing I Love: learning.
Song of The Day:
Welcome to the Cruel World by Ben Harper

Tribute

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

- Ben Harper

Busy bears

Sincere apologies for the lack of posts.

Today marks one week of living at Trinity. It feels like i've been here forever. Maybe i'm niave but I did have the slight hope that this year would be similar to last year. But of course, it's not. Nothing like it at all. I am excited to see where it takes me, what I learn.

I can't really complain that much because my roomate is incredible. We are both theatre majors and so similar and yet so different all at the same time. I feel we will be good for each other. Plus I have never lived with anyone in my entire life so this year will prove to be interesting.

I may be revamping this blog soon into a school project but I will have to see how that is going to work yet.

One Thing I love: roomates
Song of the Day:
The Three of Us by Ben Harper

tall grass beyond
structure behind

I sit happily
watching the smoke drift lazily out the window

Parliaments and liquor
Sufjan and laughter

I watch the stars come out
on this night of contentment

Searching for lyrics

Do you think I can find Steve Bell lyrics to post on here.
Well no, no I can't.

So this post is short. Because everything I wanted to say is wrapped up in this song.

Weeeell...

I imagine it's about that time.
That time where I post.
About intelligent things.

First I need to tell you, the internet world, about my once in a lifetime airport experience.
I think everyone at some point in their lives needs to have a moment like I did on Saturday.
There was so much anticipation and excitement leading up to the moment when my friend walked through the gates and down the hallway that all Mel and I could do was scream and run. Of course I was the one with tears running down my face as well. And everyone in the International Arrivals staring at us.
It was quite the reunion.

Since then i've been spending every spare minute I have at Trinity, awaiting the beginning of my ever hectic year.
Goodie.
My life has begun to slow. I call it the calm before the storm.

I thought today about play. Everyone needs to play. Some more than others. Some it seems that it's all they do. But to some extent YOU need to play to survive.
So go play.
Do what you want to do for maybe, I don't know, half an hour even.
Something that makes your soul happy and makes you smile inside.

One thing I love: driving by bread factories and smelling fresh bread
Song of the Day:
St. Augustine by Band of Horses

From the Journal:

"I'm anticipating school with a scared shitless excitement. I know it will mean more amazing people and amazing times. And I know this has been necessary, this summer. It has taught me a lot about myself, allowed me to slow down. Sometimes, ok most times, I resist God and His plan even though I know that every time I go through different stages, it's always worth it. Always. There is nothing that He does that doesn't matter."

It is here. This day has finally arrived. After the longest summer of my life many of my friends are arriving at school today to move in. My happiness cannot be contained. These girls are my lifeline, I don't have to explain any of my situations to them fully because they know me so well. What a good feeling that is.

Ponder while I wander....right?

I had a friend email me this week with this question and I would love your response and ideas on it:

"I was thinking about Greek theatre and while this concept is NOT original I want to run it by you.

Greek drama is divided into both tragedy and comedy (the two masks) yet don't both of these concepts depend on the perception of pain to get their message across to the audience? This bothers me as I think a full understanding of life entails tragedy and comedy, but if they do both depend on pain, where does this leave us in terms of learning from experience."

I don't quite have a definite answer for this one yet.

One Thing I Love: reuniting
Song of the Day:
Masochist by Ingrid Michaelson

After reading this post, I ache for school and my incredible professors. These two ladies are both amazing people. Meeting with them is an experience every time. To say I cannot wait is an understatement.

Quotes

I love belly laughing. When you can feel your stomach shaking when you laugh. That should be the one thing I love today.

As I read The Shack by William Young I underlined some resonating sentences or ideas. Here are a few:

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

"Humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that [God] has for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in [God's] image."

"[Holy Spirit] She is Creativity; she is Action; she is the Breathing of Life"

"But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster."

"Each choice ripples out through time and relationships, bouncing off of other choices. And out of what seems to be a huge mess, [God] weaves a magnificant tapestry."

"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way"

And I will leave you with this,

"Just because [God] works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean [He] orchestrates the tragedies. Don't ever assume that his using something means He caused it or needs it to accomplish His purposes. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colours."

One Thing I Love: belly laughs
Song of the Day:
Adore Adore by Yoav

a mystery

Shocked, heartbroken, appalled. This is what I feel. What I heard tonight saddens me in the deepest parts of my heart. For the few that read this please, please pray for me because I am grieving.
I keep getting knocked to my knees and I have nothing and am nothing but in Him. It causes me to rely and trust on Him so fully. And I know His plans are good. I know from the bottom of my heart that I can expect Him to be good. I am so confused but I refuse to be knocked off the solid rock I stand on.

One thing I love: swimming
Song of the Day:
Die Alone by Ingrid Michaelson

"Let me not outlive my capacity to love"

One of my favourite things to do this summer is cook with my roomate. Surprisingly we don't see each other very often but when we do, we usually end up cooking.
Tonight we made alfredo pasta with fried shrimp and, of course, a bottle of wine. Our attempt at class. It was delightful. In fact, this entire evening was delightful.

After dinner I went with my mother and her friend downtown. We made a quick stop at Cafe Crepe before going to see Metamorphoses, the show running right now at Pacific Theatre. The show runs until Saturday.

The cast is mostly made up of graduates from the William Davis Centre for Actors' Study. I have to admit I had a hard time getting into the stories at first but in my opinion the show and the acting got better as the evening progressed. The show was a compilation of stories, myths. A cleverly well written script combined with a more than brilliant set made this show engaging from beginning to end, although moreso nearing the end. This is definitely a show I would recommend seeing for the simple reason of storytelling. I wish I would have seen the actors use movement more to their advantage. There's so much more I thought they could do with what they were given. I wanted to see them play more. Nevertheless it is still a show worth seeing.
A little warning, this show has full nudity so probably not a show to take younger versions of us to.

One thing I love: Sam.
Song of the Day:
State of Emergency by Bjork

Understanding

In the midst of what seems to be a lifetime of confusion, this line made complete sense to me tonight:

"What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness."

-Marisa de Los Santos

This is why we write books/plays/bibliographies, etc. We hope to find something, a tidbit, that resonates with us, with our story. Theatre was created to be a sharing experience, a live interaction with humans involving each of the sense. In the same way, books are intended for a similar purpose. More of the imagination is involved but there is still that feeling of, "Oh i've been there. Many times before. I UNDERSTAND". We want to know and be reassured that what we feel has already been felt. Someone out there has already gone through this and we immediately connect with that.

One Thing I Love: long emails from friends.
Song of the Day:
Let it all Out by Relient K

Tragedy

After exploring the Greek tragedies this summer and mulling over different ideas in my head, I have come to the loose conclusion that tragedy is when one party willingly engages, and a force causes the other party to disengage. That, my friends, is tragic.

Soundtrack of my Summer

List making got me through my first year of university with some sort of sanity.
Today i've been making lists. Things to do before school starts, Days to book off, Schedule for next semester, Things to save for, it never ends. So I decided to make a fun list.

The Soundtrack of my Summer
These songs, put together, create my journey this summer

1. Suicide Medicine by Rocky Votolato
2. Jolene by Ray LaMontague
3. The One I Love by Rufus Wainwright
4. The Shade of Poison Trees by Dashboard Confessional
5. Summer in the City by Regina Spektor
6. Frozen by Tegan and Sara
7. Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty
8. Remember Music by Rocky Votolato
9. You Wreck Me by Tom Petty
10. Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers
11. Nineteen by Tegan and Sara
12. Saving Petals by Brendan Kwiatkowski
13. Remember Me by Steve Bell
14. The Great Salt Lake by Band of Horses
15. Something Beautiful by The Newsboys
16. Prescilla by Bat for Lashes
17. It is Well with my Soul by Jars of Clay

Fluff

Biggest pet peeve right now.
Tailgaters. Is that really the spelling?
Tonight I was driving along and this jerk pulls up right behind me and flashes his brights at me.
First reaction, put on the brakes.
So I did.
He backed off.
They usually do.
But still, I shouldn't have to do that. And really, are you that impatient that you can't go maybe 5 km/hr less than you would be going if you were ahead of me.

Beware you tailgating scum.
I always, ALWAYS lay on the brake.

Dave Matthews Band. Sexiest music ever. Check them out if you haven't.

One thing I love: midnight walks on the beach with friendly friends
Song of the Day:
American Baby by Dave Matthews Band

One thing I love...

Sooooo...still in the middle of reading every book ever.
Somehow I just don't feel content unless i'm in the middle of reading at least three books at once.

I'm currently reading The Shack by William Young (which I will try to finish tonight, among other things), Love Walked In by Marisa de Los Santos, and the Oedipus trilogy (Oedipus the King, Oedipus at Colonus, and of course Antigone) by Sophocles. And it's not that I have the intention of reading these books, i'm actually IN THE VERY MIDDLE of all of them.

A tiny little show announcement. Pacific Theatre is currently in the middle of running a show called Metamorphoses, based on the Myths of Ovid, which is slightly tying in with our show. How convenient. It runs from July 31- August 16 so you better get on buying those tickets! Should be a good show.
I will be there with my notebook ready.

I decided that along with my song of the day, I would also list one thing I love. Because sometimes I have to remind myself just how much I love living.

One thing I love: dancing at work
Song of the Day:
Different is Beautiful by Riley Armstrong

It is Well

These words have been ringing in my ears. It is well with my soul.

When peace like a river attendeth my way.
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot You have taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though the devil will ruin, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And has shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song of the Day:
It is Well with my Soul by Jars of Clay

Good books

I forgot to mention this awhile ago but I finished reading The Stone Angel by Margaret Laurence. If you get the chance to, please read it. Such a well written book. It's about a woman who, when she's old and aging, looks back over her life and realizes that she has led a loveless life. It's devastating and yet refreshing at the same time. And again, some excellent writing skills. Check it out.

I'm about three quarters of the way through The Shack by William Young. I will say no more til I am finished.

Song of the Day:
Frozen by Tegan and Sara

PS

Check it out...Trinity is slowly making our way into the Vancouver Theatre scene. Our picture is the one on the second panel. Mythification is the show we are writing this fall and our picture is in the brochure for the Greater Vancouver shows. Excitement.

Lists lists and more lists

This lady told me to...so I will.

I am someone who enjoys a good cup of coffee in the morning.

I think that someone should dig a big hole and stick all the boys inside and only let them come up when we want them to.
Juuuust kidding...

I know that I am loved

I have so much I want to do in what seems like so little time.

I wish that I could read minds. Life would be so much more simple.

I hate ignorant hatred.

I miss school. So very much. Mostly the people from school. The atmosphere. Learning.

I fear fear itself

I smell Febreeze. I used to spray febreeze in my room at school all the time so sometimes when i'm missing school, I spray it in my room.

I crave childhood.

I search for beauty.

I wonder where i'll be when I grow up. That is IF I grow up.

I regret sin.

I love hugs!

I ache for truth.

I am not going to ever smoke weed. I was asked twice tonight...

I believe in a thing called love.

I dance whenever I can. Anytime is dancing time. Sometimes I can't even help it. It just bubbles right on out.

I sing loudly. Especially at work. When the whole restaurant is quiet, you can hear me singing in the back. I promise.

I fight when I want to be heard.

I cry many times a day. Actually today is the first time I haven't cried in, well, a long long time.

I win at life. Usually just because I make the choice to.

I lose nothing but gain everything when I daily choose to take up my cross and follow Him.

I never go to bed early.

I always want to be going on adventures.

I confuse most people when I open my big fat mouth. It gets me into trouble a LOT.

I listen to great music.

I can usually be found in my car, Rufus, or on a stage.

I need physical touch. My love language.

I am scared of eternity

I am happy when I realize I am not alone.

I imagine a million things, a million times a day. That is why I do what I do.

If you have a blog, what the heck are you waiting for, fill it out...

Song of the Day:
These are the Fables by The New Pornographers

From the Journal:

Being in Saskatchewan is lovely. I have been distanced enough to be able to appreciate it but I don't feel the same ache I usually do. It's gone. I don't feel the longing or the attachment anymore. I just feel, well, lovely when I look into the fields of long wheat and canola. When I feel the wind whipping my hair around. It is lovely.

There are people and places in my life that will always leave a lovely ache. Memory is a powerful thing and should not be underestimated. This weekend was a time of memories, of remembering. Remembering a marriage and the life of two people and to watch how God has blessed them.
And He has.
He really has.

My mind is still reeling from the experience I had this weekend.
I met with God. He showed me his goodness. He is good. Why is that a lesson I keep having to learn over and over again?
Too many times we look for justification as an outcome of a tragic event or happening. We think that God now has to justify what He has done. Or maybe what we have done.
But that is not his purpose. He doesn't want to justify anything. He wants to redeem. He wants to redeem our situations, our mistakes, our choices.
He has nothing but love for me and wants nothing but joy for me.

What most spoke to me this weekend is the fact and truth that love is sacrifice. If ever you love someone, you WILL sacrifice. In any relationship. There is the saying that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate act of love in other words. Those two go hand in hand and I keep finding that as soon as I am willing, key word: willing, to sacrifice the walls come down and God is let in and it is no longer me but Christ through me.

Our director for the show I am in this fall said in the middle of the summer that the closer we grow to God, the better our show will be (we are writing it). I firmly believe this and especially in my singleness I am able to begin, if only even a little bit, a God who loves me without limitations, without boundaries, and without restriction.

Song of the Day:
Prescilla by Bat for Lashes

Saskatchewan

You may be asking yourself where I have been for the last week. Well wonder no longer. I went to Saskatchewan for my grandparent's 50th anniversary and my cousin's wedding all in the same weekend. So my sincerest apologies for not posting.

I would have to say that this last weekend was the highlight of my summer. It was the one time where I could take off my adult face and just be a kid again. I climbed, swam, ran, played, hugged, and frolicked to my heart's content. And now my heart is full. All of my extended family stayed in this huge beautiful lodge at a retreat centre for the weekend. There were zip lines, climbing walls, tubing down rivers, mud pits, beach volleyball, and thunder storms. There's nothing like a prairie thunderstorm. I have missed seeing the entire sky light up and hearing thunder that leaves your ears ringing.

To those of you who have prayed for my family, thank you. God is bringing healing to my family (extended especially) and I got to see that this weekend. I am learning to love where I have come from and my heritage. I am proud to be Mennonite. Proud to have a German backround. And I am proud of every single one of my family members.
It was a life changing weekend for me.

Song of the Day:
Something Beautiful by Newsboys

You know you go to the movie store too much when...

the Rogers lady knows who you are and suggests movies to you.

No one is complaining though.

Latest movie you should rent.
Good Will Hunting.
A. Mazing.

Not really a change your life kind of movie. More like a let's watch this movie and admire the good acting.
There's a little saying that's thrown around in our acting classes, we hear it every day of our lives, and it is "maximum emotional involvement". Matt Damon, in this movie, achieved that. Every single scene he is in, I can clearly see exactly what he is fighting for, when he changes tactics to find it, and how hard he is fighting for his objective or objectives. A very talented actor that one.
I love seeing actors branch out and try completely different roles than what they usually do. In this movie, that actor is Robin Williams. He steps out of his comfort of comedy and into a very serious role. And impressively pulling it off fantastically. His character has a lot of emotional past to deal with and to allow the audience to see the burden it causes him is difficult. Robin Williams is brilliant in this role.

Song of the Day:
Remember Me by Steve Bell

My grace is all you need

I went to Yakima Valley last week to visit my friend Mel.
You should meet her, she's great.
She lives in a beautiful city surrounded by desert and filled with orchards. Everywhere. It's beautiful and just what I needed. We spent the perfect day together.

I watched The Dark Knight on Saturday night. For those of you who aren't aware, it's the new Batman movie with Christian Bale and Heath Ledger. Oh. My. Goodness.
I have not seen such a piece of art in a long time. Especially in a movie.
I didn't think the script was anything incredible, they could have worked on that a bit. But the acting and storyline were both amazing.

As I was watching the movie my mind, as well as several others most likely, was wandering to the fact that Heath Ledger is now dead. There is much speculation as to why he died and if it was accidental or not. Of course I do not know for sure one way or another but here is what I came up with in my head, a thought you might want to ponder.
After watching the movie, this is key to understanding where i'm coming from, I think that Heath Ledger gave himself so completely to the role, body and more importantly mind, that he made the decision that this was it. He had created a masterpiece and in order to do that he sacrificed himself for the role. I do not think his death was an accident. I think he purposefully ended it at the top of his game. And when you look back over the span of his career, it really was the top. But again, this can only be speculation because I will never know. Just a thought.

Incredible movie that I would most definitely recommend.

"So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged him to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness'".
2 Cor. 12: 7-9

"My grace is all you need".
That is all I need.
Redemption has been a little theme for me. What does it mean for me to be redeemed? By God? By others? I believe that God is going to redeem my summer. Nothing I have done or will do is for naught. In my weakness He is being made strong and quite frankly, I would rather have Him being strong than me. Because without him, I am a different person entirely. I am so changed by Christ. So moved by his love. I was reading 1 Corinthians 13 this morning. The "love" chapter. The first line I read goes like this, "Love is patient...". Nuff said.
God will redeem me AND my summer.

Song of the Day:
Saving Petals by Brendan Kwiatkowski

Try on your knees

When voices fade out
When lights are turned down
Know this whispers to you

When you want to cry out
When you want a runway
Taking you in another way

When you cannot suffer any longer
Know that I suffer too
When life has you jaded,
Tired and frustrated just know
This whispers to you

After a fall out
When your thoughts are all doubts
Remember what I promised you

When you are broken
And words that were spoken
Are regrets in you mind

When you fail to see beauty
Try on your knees
Or when you're content, safely hidden
Know this whispers to you

- Brendan Kwiatkowski


I've been learning a lot about patience. Something I haven't usually made a habit of putting into practise. I'm slowly learning that all other fruits of the Spirit stem from self-control. I am finding myself having a selfless love despite being hurt. That is not me. That is not in my nature at all. And it's hard. It doesn't feel good. It definitely doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy. But it is God's desire. It is therefore my desire.

I'm also exploring God as a husband. It discusses the idea a little bit in Isaiah and I like it. I like this idea that the qualities I look for in a husband are also in Christ. At least should be. And the idea that marriage is this binding contract where two become one. I want to live such a life where Christ and I are one. That should be what we strive for yes?
My abandonment issues are such that I find a huge peace in knowing that I am already married to someone who will never leave me and always always loves me no matter what condition I'm in. Every person deserves to be loved in this way.

I'm going to Seattle for the next couple of days to visit some school friends. Hopefully it will bring some peace in my seemingly forever stormy life.

Song of the Day:
Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips

Movietime

I watched Dedication tonight. Solid effort i'd say.
EVEN though it has Mandy Moore in it
and EVEN though its about falling in love
It's still pretty good.
Things I liked about it were the cinematography (I liked the style) and the soundtrack. For those two things alone I would watch the movie again.
Billy Crudup, besides having a great last name, has some definite skills in the area of acting, as shown in this film.
I would recommend.

Song of the Day
The Great Salt Lake by Band of Horses

EXcellent

You know those times.
When you're dressed in your favourite clothes.
They fit you just right.
You've actually taken time to do your hair for once.
You're make up is done just right. Not too crazy but not too natural either.
You are wearing your favourite shoes.
The ones that you've worn so much you feel like you are going barefoot.
Lets not lie, you think your looking pretty gooood.

And you think,
"Now this is the moment where I should run into my ex"

But it never happens that way does it.
You see them when you're driving home
after working 8 hours
sweaty and gross
looking like shit.
Yes, that's when you see them.

...who takes time to do their hair anyway these days.

I started watching The Power of Myth today. Campbell talks about the center belief that ties every myth together. And that is the idea of a hero or heroine. A hero goes through some sort of change or higher understand and then gives of themselves for a greater cause. He claims that every human being can be considered a hero because everyone has gone through a birth. A time where they are in one state, they go through a change (take a passage) and become something different, something stronger, something better. That's as far as I got. Although I was thinking about it later in the day and I realized that I'm a huge believer in the everyday hero. Man, I have met some amazing people suffering for the sake of so many others. Makes my problems seem small and trivial.

I talked to a friend tonight who spoke brutally honest words to me. I don't think he will ever know how right he was. You know there are some people you can just pick up where you left off. Yeah, it was good like that.
I bought his cd. You should too. It's quite good.

Song of the Day:
Georgia by Ray Charles (best to listen to while driving and watching the sun set)

Summertime

It seems that blogging is the new thing to do amongst us theatre majors at Trinity. Check it out. She's in the same show as I am come fall. Very brilliant girl. We spent the day at White Rock yesterday.

I don't think there is anything better than sitting on a deck overlooking the ocean, drinking beer and listening to the Chili Peppers. Sigh. It's just what I needed yesterday. I'm going to Seattle this week as well. I need to see familiar people. The people that have loved me unconditionally this entire year. Speaking of which, it's only about a month til people start coming back! I'm making it through...only another month. I can do it.

I started watching the Power of Myth last night with Joseph Campbell and soon realized that I will most likely have to take notes while i'm watching. It's so packed full with information. I'm excited to start.

Song of the Day
Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sigur Ros

Today was a sad day. A sad day indeed.
The Sigur Ros show at the Chan sold out in a matter of minutes, and unfortunetly, I did not get tickets.
I cried.
A lot.
Maybe said a few bad words. Threw some things.
If there is one thing I HAVE to do before I die, it is experience Sigur Ros...and at the Chan too. UGH. The acoustics in that place are unbelievable.
I have had a pit in my stomach the entire day I want to go so bad.
BAH i'm not happy. I'm so tempted to pay the 400 dollars to see them. To me it's almost worth it. And now i'm crying again.
Bad day all around.

Song of the Day:
O Praise Him by David Crowder Band

Scribble Scrabble

I really have nothing intelligent to say in this post. I don't even know why i'm posting actually.

I've been working a lot lately. And by a lot I mean a ridiculous amount. So obviously I get to know people I work with very well. It never fails to surprise me how young they are, and yet how not innocent they are. All childhood innocence, completely gone. These kids, and that's what they are, have done and tried more things than I care to ever do. And I surprise them. They think it's weird that I've never done drugs. Or had sex. It's new and foreign to them. Ha, i'm interrogated many times a week.

Being a part of these kids lives makes me realize how lucky I am. I look at the opportunities i've had and I realize most people my age have not done half the things I have. I ran into someone at Trinity the other day who has known me for a good nine or ten years of my life, a good friend of the family. He works at Trinity and we were talking about my summer and school and eventually life plans and he looks at me and says, "You know, you've lived a charmed life. Don't you realize that"? And until he said that, I really don't think I did. I have lived a life that some people only dream of. And I'm only nineteen. First thought that comes to mind is that I don't deserve any of the experiences that i've had. But then there's that Relient K song, with that line, "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair". I couldn't have said it better myself. It is not a matter of deserving. It's a matter of circumstance, which I can only be thankful for. And also a matter of God. I can look back through my writing and see where He's taken me. And guided me. And where i've trusted Him. I am so so so thankful that I will never have to deal with the things my work friends are dealing with now. And they are younger than me. My heart hurts for them.

Oh I remembered why I was going to post. Now I almost don't even want to give this secret away it's so precious to me. Sigh, but i'll tell you, because I would love for you to enjoy it as well. Word has it that VSO (Vancouver Symphony Orchestra) is playing this Sunday at 7pm at Deer Lake Park in Burnaby FOR FREE. The VSO and I have a long running history of performing (ask me about it sometime...) and so I am jumping at the opportunity to at least hear them again. Join me if you would like. It will be lovely i'm sure.

Song of the Day:
You Wreck Me by Tom Petty

Movie Night

I saw this movie tonight. It's called Wanted if you're too lazy to click on the link.
There are two reasons I watch movies. Either for acting or crazy scripts that leave you going, "What the heck just happened". The latter usually involves lots of action and guns. Which I also happen to appreciate. This movie was one of those. Except surprisingly funny and witty. Now that I think about it, I didn't think about the acting once. That is a good sign. Some of the script is lame, but you know, you can't have everything in life now can you. All things aside, I think you should watch it. It's good.

Song of the Day:
Thinking About You by Radiohead

Odds and Ends

I watched Inside the Actor's Studio for the first time today. For some reason I always saw it on as I was searching for something to watch but never checked it out. Duh. You would think the title at least would pop out at me. Apparently not. I had it recommended to me though so I decided to scope it out. For those of you who are like me and hate to waste your time when watching television, it is a show where a man, I forget his name, interviews famous actors. The interviewer has watched every movie and tv show the actor has ever done and researched a ton about them.

Today the interview was with Michael J. Fox. Now there is a man who has turned his suffering into joy (I have been on a theme of suffering this week, and no, not mine). Fox has Parkinson's Disease. I have watched two men in my family suffer from Parkinson's. One is already dead. It is a sad, sad disease that kills you very slowly and painfully. He talked about the opportunity this disease has given him. He told a story about several people standing around in a circle and each person wrote what they were suffering with and put it in a pile in the middle of the circle. When they were asked to choose which experience of suffering they would take from the middle, every single person took back their own. He was very inspiring. He also mentioned his book titled Lucky Man. Just a glimpse of his view on the disease that's robbing his body of control.

I am reading two of Henri Nouwen's books. Nouwen has an incredible story of suffering. He was a Catholic priest and a writer who died just recently of a heart attack. Only after he died did it come out that he was a homosexual. He had gone his entire life without telling people he was gay. On top of that, taking a vow of celibacy for priesthood. This man knows suffering. People read his forty something books in a whole new light with the knowledge of his understanding of pain and what it means to have a "thorn in his flesh". Anyway, look him up for a good read.

I went running today and was completey taken back by the beautiful view. And it came to me that His banner over me is love. I can look back and think, these last six months have been the worst. I have never felt so much pain. And yet, tonight all I could think about were good memories from this last year. They came flooding in. I couldn't stop them. There I was, standing in a field watching the sun slip behind the mountains and all I could do was laugh. I must have looked like an idiot. I didn't care. My God is good, ALL the time and I wouldn't trade my life or my suffering for the world.

Song of the Day:
See the Morning by Chris Tomlin

Pain

"Not hardship, nor hunger, no pain or depth of sorrow
Not weakness, nor failure, no broken dream or promise
Nothing can take me from Your great love
Forever this truth remains"

- Kathryn Scott

This is my song.

They say that pain makes the best art. Unfortunetly for humankind, I think this to be truth. A part of me is glad about that. Because some of the art I see takes my breath away. As does most of the pain I experience. It is also extremely sad. I often wonder and question why must we go through such crud to reach brilliance? Any thoughts?


I was given the entire interview with Joseph Campbell on "The Power of Myth". I will watch it and report.

Song of the Day:
Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty

II

Cherry Blossoms

It is officially the day of my birth. I am very excited. I took the day off work to do things that I want to do. Including a photoshoot with a studying photographer. Maybe I will post pictures...

Someone told me this year that they loved me like the sky and the cherry blossoms. This sounds all fine and good and seems really sweet until I started reflecting on the meaning of that comment the other day. The sky is constantly changing. Cherry blossoms are only around for a short period of time before they fall to the ground and die. Is this person telling me that they will love me sometimes and only for a short period of time? I'm sure, of course, that they did not mean it this way but tonight at church as I slipped in the back for the last part of the sermon, I heard about a God who loves me simply because. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or less or even at all, He simply does.

And tonight He whispered in my ear and said that He will never love me like the cherry blossoms. He can't ever love me like humans do. Because at some point, our love is going to be conditional. At some point. And His is never going to be. Ever.

I will rest in that.

Song of the Day:
I'll Fly Away by Jars of Clay
PS. that rhymes if you say it out loud.

Books, Plays, Music

For some reason I have been having problems sleeping. I dread going to bed now because I know i'll end up lying there for hours with nothing to do and so my mind wanders to weird thoughts and strange memories. I don't like it very much. My new plan is to stay up as late as necessary so I will fall asleep naturally because I will be so tired.

I saw Proof tonight. It was decent enough. Having been produced by someone who was just last year graduating from Trinity, it was well done. It is strange seeing someone have a completely different take on a character you have played before. I see Catharine totally different than Becky does, although I wish I could have seen more from her tonight. She has the potential to do better work I think. Sound was horrible. Lighting was excellent (Lois is fantastic). I think both main characters could have worked harder for what they were fighting for. I wanted to see more. I hate leaving theatre like that. All in all an alright show. I would recommend it. It only runs the rest of the week.

I read this tonight.
I wept for a long time.

Song of the Day:
Andvari by Sigur Ros

Broken Homes

I am discouraged. Very discouraged.

What the heck is the point of marriage?

On a completely unrelated note, there is a show next week from June 25-28 called Proof playing at Pacific Theatre. Two of my friends are in it. Should be good. You should go if you can. And don't worry, I am not going alone. Since my "walking alone in Vancouver at night" post I have had many offers of girls and boys that would love to keep me company they say.

They have no idea what they're volunteering for...

Song of the Day:
Jerk it Out by The Caesars

Just to Clarify...

So just to clarify about my last post. Flip city wasn't the reason for my "bad day" yesterday. I got some concerned emails and no, i'm not that worried about the boys. They are big and can take care of themselves. Flip city was great. Not related to the previous comment. Yes? Good.

Ramblings mostly

There are some days in life that you wish with all your heart never happened.
But it did.
And life goes on.

In retrospect, not the biggest deal, but I still feel pretty bad.

I went to flip city tonight. For those of you who are unaware it is a place where mostly males go to see who can hurt themselves doing the craziest flip. Otherwise known as a gymnastics centre. I went last year a bit, was a bit rusty tonight. It never fails to surprise me how fearless guys are at this age. My one friend was trying to do a backflip starting with just standing on the ground and was he worried about his neck, no, no he was worried about STUBBING HIS TOE. Really? Really? Does no one worry about these things except me. I figured I worried enough tonight for every guy who came out so no one else has to. I got them all covered.

It always leaves me quite puzzled when I think about how complicated relationships get. And, as I mentioned before, not only are they harder to keep up, they end up getting more complicated too. And i'm not just talking girl/guy, i'm talking every relationship.

Why do we bother seeking after companionship when sometimes, lets face it, it just doesn't seem worth it anymore?
Thoughts?

And now a poem from my beloved friend Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played
At wrestling in a ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.


"fields of gazing grain"
She's brilliant eh.

"We are constant sinners; how can people like us be saved? We are all infected and impure with sin...And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." Isaiah 64: 5, 8

Thank goodness for "and yet".

Song of the Day:
Grow up and Blow Away by Metric

Validation

I seem to constantly be meeting with people. Which isn't a problem, believe me, I just find it interesting. I feel like I am constantly arranging and rearranging my schedule to fit coffee here, dinner there, and maybe a short walk the day after. It seems that the older we get, the more intentional we have to be at seeking out company.

Anyways about what I was really going to talk about. I went for breakfast with a fantastic lady on Friday. I always call her my step in grandma because none of my grandparents live anywhere near me. We meet about once a month and talk. About her life mostly. Some of mine. She listens and gives me advice. She makes sure I have things like a financial plan and that I am always well taken care of. In our last meeting I told her about my will and felt calling to be single at this point in my life and she was surprisingly supportive and encouraging. I found out that she did not get married until she was 28 because she felt when she was my age and a little older that God had a higher purpose for her at thiat point in her life. I was relieved. I'm not alone. There's other people who feel the same way. She went on to talk about independance and other struggles she faced during that time.

I always end up leaving in tears because of the love that woman has for me. She prays for me. Supports me financially and emotionally. I can sit across from her, hold her older, much wiser hand in my younger naive hand and be vulnerable. She does not ask for anything in return. Obviously our relationship is a two way street but in any relationship there are expectations that the other person will love you back. She has none of that. I know she will love me if I never call her back again or if I call her every week for the rest of my life.

My heart is happy that I am cared for.

Song of the Day:
Summer in the City by Regina Spektor

More blogs...

I decided to make it easy for those of you who don't like hunting for great blogs. I took the liberty to put links to them on my page. You will find them on the right hand column. All of them are artists in one way or another so together they are Artists Who Write. Check them out if you have some time. They are all brilliant people in my opinion.

More artsy talk

I went to visit my friend Jane tonight.
She told me things about blogs.
See, i'm already working them into my posts. I feel so much smarter. Clever almost.

I saw two shows tonight from Magnetic North festival. Two completely different shows I might add.

The first was So Many Doors by Sour Brides Theatre company (from the Yukon). Very good performances by all four actors. The story was about the coming together and breaking apart of two couples going through the same traumatic experience of the death of a child. The script was a little too preachy, too much telling of the story rather than showing me the story. The lighting design and set were both very well done. Those two things make a huge difference in a show and quite frankly most shows I see, i'm usually not very impressed with lighting or set. I most often see lighting designs that end up not serving the play. That's irritating. And annoying.

Anyway, second show I saw was a Studio 58 production that was fun, fluffy, and in my opinion not that well done. Again, I felt like they told me way too much and didn't show me nearly enough. Their ending didn't serve a purpose. It went from fun and dancing and comedy most of the way through until the end where it all of a sudden became serious and most of the cast ended in tears. Their set was pretty cool. It reminded me of Trinity's Pride and Prejudice this past season; they took one medium (columns) and made it work for every setting. I also felt the characters in this production were too much of themselves. It seemed like a bunch of young adults coming up with drivel. I don't want to see drivel.

I could talk for a long time about both but I won't bore you with that. I love going to theatre with someone who knows something about theatre (take for instance one of my theatre professors tonight) because the conversation after each piece is so engaging and having been in the business a long time and being the brilliant sort that she is, she can spot good theatre from a mile away. My opinion at least.

This week has been so busy I haven't even had time to catch my breath and write. I was looking back through my journal the other day and I find reading what I wrote so interesting. It's like i'm seeing myself in a different light, or from a different perspective. I will always always recommend journalling. I think it's one of those things that I need. I'm always on the lookout for those needs. They're important I tell you.

Song of the Day:
Miss American Pie by Don Maclean...I think. It came on my ipod today and I just glanced

Someone left a message on my phone yesterday saying that yes, in fact faith was certainty.

Just thought you guys might want to know her opinion.

Next time I decide to go to a late show in Vancouver alone, please will someone kindly remind me that it's not a good idea. I know my mom reads this and is most likely in a state of panic at this point, probably all mothers for that matter.
I went to a show yesterday that started at 9:30 not realizing, in the blondest moment I can remember, that by the time I get out it will be dark and my car is in a sketchy parkade quite a few blocks down. Suddenly I didn't feel all grown up anymore.

Anyway, enough about that. I am safe.
The show I went to was called April 14, 1912 and believe it or not, it was about the Titanic. I picked a fairly good seat and before long the theatre started filling up. To the left of me sat a flamboyantly gay couple (I got a "Oh my goodness, I just looove your sweater" as they shuffled by) and to the right of me sat an asian couple who were still learning english (theatre is a good place to work on your english if you're an ESL student). I felt like Vancouver was well represented.

The show was mostly movement, dance, and music. Very few words. It still baffles me how as humans we can understand movement sometimes just as well if not more clearly than words. I have to admit some of it went right over my head (one character WAS the Titanic). I felt about three quarters of the way through, my mind was wandering. The sinking scene took a good twenty to thirty minutes.
It was a good experience none the less. I don't know if I would recommend it at all. Probably not.

Song of the Day:
What I Got by Sublime

Hold Tight

So this week is the week of crazy for me so sit tight while I get my thoughts together. I looked through my journal tonight and I have so many topics that i've written about but have not discussed on here yet.

I like the idea of putting a question on here and then writing my thoughts after a discussion of sorts has been had. So here is a question that a friend asked the other night. Or something along the lines of.

How much can faith and certainty co-exist? Do they intertwine? Can they? Can you have one without the other?

Something to think about.

Song of the Day:
The Police and the Private by Metric

Oh brother.

You ever notice how guys will do anything, and I mean anything, not to ask for help in a store. It's like somehow it would take away any sense of man in them to ask a simple question. My brother and I were in A&B Sound today looking for a cable. Simple, yes? Do you think we could find it? No. So I follow my brother around the store as he searches up and down the aisles not finding anything. Finally I suggest that we ask someone. Of course the answer is no. Turns out, they were out of the cable we were searching for.

We didn't find that out without asking someone.

Figures.

Song of the Day:
The One I Love by Rufus Wainwright

The perks

If you are 19 and under you can get into MagNorth festival shows for $2.
Good, because I was ready to take out another loan. Maybe a morgage. Theatre is expensive. And now I only have to spend 8 bucks instead of over 100. Sometimes the world smiles on university students. Not often, but sometimes. That made me happy today.

Note to Self: Budget for tissues

If you ever feel like crying buckets, I have the perfect movie for you. I just finished watching Away From Her with Gordon Pinsent and Julie Christie. Oh. my. goodness. SUCH good acting, horrible cinematography, and a heartwrenching story about the effects of Alzheimer's disease. So sad. I would only recommend this movie to those interested in good acting first because that's really all it has to offer and second, I don't want anyone who doesn't have to cry as much as I did tonight. My face is like one big red puff. VERY attractive.

Rain go away

Feeling a tad discouraged today.

Song of the Day:
I Remember Music by Rocky Votolato

27 bad actors

I watched 27 Dresses tonight. It wasn't the worst movie i've seen. Some of the acting was preetty bad. If you can't tell the difference between good and bad acting, i'd recommend it. The message is decent at least.

Song of the day:
Portland is leaving by Rocky Votolato

playwrightstheatre.com

Another one.

You could not possibly know a happier girl right now. This is just what I needed. I have a packed and expensive week ahead of me. ugh money.

I'd give it a 10/10

Forget that last post. I haven't figured out how to delete them yet (Jane any thoughts?).

Guess what starts today? MORE THEATRE.

http://www.magneticnorthfestival.ca/

Gordon Pinsent (Away from Her, Due South, a million other movies and tv shows) is speaking this Friday at Performance Works on Granville Island. Unfortunetly I'm working but there it is if you're interested. He will be speaking about, "...theatre and encouraging things toward the performing artist". Wish I could go.

Let me just tell you about my day for a second and see how jealous you get.
First good point: I slept in.
Second good point: I went shopping at my favourite second hand store (which by the way i'm not telling anyone where it is because I got amazing clothing for AMAZING deals. that's right, i'm hogging it)
Third good point: I'm currently sitting in my favourite coffee shop for a late lunch, writing, reading, and thinking.
Fourth good point: I just found this theatre festival and that alone would be enough to make my day.

This day could not get better if it tried.

you're probably all sick of the single talk...

So I figured I should probably give my views so far on my "single" questions.

"Do you think chosen singleness is looked down upon in today's society? Do we have to choose between a family or a career? Is it at all possible to be fully devoted to both?"

I talked to several people this week about singleness and the questions I have been pondering for the last year. What brought these questions into my head originally was the scary saying about being "married to the theatre" because while going to school for acting, well, I heard it a lot. So it put this thought in my head, "What if I become so involved in theatre that I can't manage both family and work"? The thought of kids not having a mom there for them when they need it scares the living daylights out of me. I mean I get goosebumps, and not the good kind.

Anyway, I know that most of the answers to the questions are logical if your chosen profession is not theatre, but what if in fact it is? Because I waver back and forth between deciding if singleness is frowned upon or just not seen often enough and I know most people can balance a family and a career just fine. But I guess my real question is, "What if your career takes up your emotional energy, your physical energy, and most of your time?". What then? Keep in mind that I have realized this past week that my passions and what I want probably will change over time so what I decide right now is for right now. People change, desires happen (not necessarily change), stages of life happen. So keeping that in the back of our heads, right now I don't see where a family can fit into where i'm headed.

Also I don't see myself ever being fully devoted to both. Someone or something will have to sacrifice, and i'm beginning to realize that maybe that's ok. It's sometimes simply a matter of asking yourself these questions to realize what you would be willing to give up for either and find out where your priorities lie.

So that's where I stand. Again feel free to comment. I love hearing opinions.

Song of the Day:
Just a band in general today: Interpol (check them out, really good chillin music)

Hm

There are decisions to be made. Anyone volunteer to make them for me?

Song of the Day:
Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns

Marriage: The High Road

I don't feel like writing today. Please feel free to comment on the posed questions though.

Do you think chosen singleness is looked down upon in today's society? Do we have to choose between a family or a career? Is it at all possible to be fully devoted to both?

Song of the Day:
To be Alone with You by Sufjan Stevens

Crazy little thing called love

This week was one of THOSE weeks.
Granted, there was a fair amount of good in it as well.
I just felt so discontent and anxious.
I went for lunch with a teacher from high school the other day and we were talking about needs. Every single person has people they need to see or things they need to do in order to keep functioning. Since I wasn't getting my needs met, my body was mentally and emotionally starting to shut down. Did I mention she has a degree in Psychology? Anyway, so now my job is to sort out everything she said to me and start realizing and putting into practise how I am going to survive the next three months. It's a good exercise to mentally sort through what are your individual needs. An example of one of mine is physical touch. I need hugs. Seriously. I've started to be more aware of the fact that my body notices when it's not being touched. We are sexual beings (read sexgod by Rob Bell for more about sexuality) and touching is a huge part of childhood and I think it needs to carry on through adolescence. All that to say, I need hugs. This same teacher last year (grade 12) watched me make a list of my needs so some of these things have been bouncing around in my head for over a year now. My encouragement: make a list of your needs. Be specific. What do you need from who (spouse, kids, friends, parents, school, living conditions, etc)?

I have decided to put a song of the day up everytime I post. It will most likely be a song i've heard during the day that has struck me. Or an alltime favourite. Or simply good music. Hopefully you will give it a listen.

Song of the day:
The Shade of Poision Trees by Dashboard Confessional

And suddenly there are no more questions...

...just white noise.

Four friends met tonight. There was food, laughter, openness, confessions, addictions, love, God, music, theatre, and honesty. The best night I have had in a long time. It brought me back to school and a community of people that genuinely care deeply about each other. These people are people I have no problem being honest and frank with. There is unconditioned love. We confessed, we cried, we laughed so hard it hurt. This is love my friends. Deep, unconditioned, broken love.

We talked about our show next year. I can’t explain the feeling I get when I think of it. When we start to read Genesis and Greek tragedies I get, well, I get it.

I tend to tell the story of my past quite a bit. This is healing for me. I saw a play this past year where the main character opened with a monologue that talked about each person’s story. And how each time we tell our story, we give a little bit of it away. I don’t believe that fully, but I do believe I am continuely being healed by sharing it. And i’m learning how to embrace my past and use it for God’s glory. Tonight again I was affirmed by what I had shared and I have added more people to my family.

Today I felt the answer to a worn out prayer. I felt peace. Such an amazing peace. For the first time in a long time I am able to stand on my own two feet and be content in my singleness and know that that is what God has planned for me right now. God is good. No, no, no not safe. Good.

I was blessed by this tonight:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you
who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.
In this you rejoice, although now for a little while
you may have to suffer through various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith,
more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire,
may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Although you have not seen him you love him;
even though you do not see him now yet you believe in him,
you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
as you attain the goal of faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Pt 1:3-9

May you find friendship that is unguarded, broken, and good. so good.

Still pluggin away...

I have a couple more pages in Antigone and then I will start writing about it. Seriously, read it if you have a chance (first read a synopsis so you know what the heck is going on), it is so good. I'm really enjoying it.

Another poem maybe...

I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled-
Some thousands- on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies, -
Death is but one and comes but once,
And only nails the eyes.

There's grief of want, and grief of cold, -
A sort they call "despair";
There's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly, yet to me
A piercing comfort if affords
In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross,
Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinations to presume
That some are like my own.

- Emily Dickinson

The first time I read this poem I had dissolved into tears by the second stanza. This really does describe the past year for me. Heartache and grief have shook the very core of who God has made me. Such deep, sorrowful grief. And then I have questions. How do I worship God when I all I feel like is crying? Why do I always end up crying in worship? It dawned upon me one day that maybe my tears were worship to God. Maybe He likes my tears.

A couple years ago I was listening to a lecture down in Fresno at ACTS Seminary and the lady was talking about her adopted daughter who was probably about 3 or 4 at the time. She said that her daughter would have severe temper tantrums where she would kick and scream and punch and need to let out her sadness and anger because she knew that this family was not her natural family. She knew that her adopted family loved her very much but she knew this family looked different than her. Her adopted mother called these tantrums "holding time". She would ask her daughter if she needed holding time and her daughter would climb into her lap and sob and kick and punch and do whatever she needed. Afterward her mother would just hold her and they would sit.

This lady suggested to us that maybe sometimes we need holding time with Christ. Where we can scream, punch, shout, kick our sorrows and anger at him. Where we can sob into His arms without judgement and with the knowledge of an everlasting love. I have often pictured this as I look to accept my past as it is and work at changing my future.