I Love Love

I have recognized lately that I love love. I delight in watching people love each other. Mothers and daughters. Brothers. Friends. Young love, old love. I love love.

Speaking of love, the day-that-shall-not-be-named will soon be upon us. I cannot help but have an aversion to Valentine's Day. I hate it. I just plain hate it. I haven't even had bad Valentine's Day experiences, hell I haven't had ANY Valentine's Day experiences. I hate that the original intention of the day often gets lost in our attempts to fulfill expectations.

I haven't been writing lately, which is rather discouraging and frustrating to me. I figured I would reflect back to the summer when I truly was a child of the earth. My emotions were volatile and so was my writing. When it was good, it was very good. When it was wretched, well, I won't share those publicly.

I can smell you creature of the earth

Lover of Life

You make the magic of a thousand words in one glance

I'm sweat, salty

from the good work

Do a good work in me

May it imitate the magic

you have already established

Grass Grass can only grow

Christmas 2011

Looking back over my year in writing, here are a few reflections I have come across:

I break the bread, gladly, willingly even, but I am scared to drink from the chalice of passion. My thirst seems so dangerous and yet so necessary if I am to be a self.

Self-examination is the 'hell' or the valley of fear one must travel through in order to be closer to God. There is no such thing as the good soul that Dante talks about in Canto III. As soon as one chooses self-examination, the pretense of the good soul vanishes, forcing one to look at the sin and darkness of their existence as well as acknowledge their rightful place in hell.

I wonder at the survival instinct of humans. I marvel at our ability to absorb the tragedies of life. I laugh at Despair, ruthlessly attempting to rip me apart. You will not win. My hope absolves my fear.

Gentle words are a tree of life.

To indulge or contain. They seem to counter one another but I am finding they reflect one another. Indulging is necessary only once containment has taken place. Rather than being helpful, one without the other is detrimental and hazardous to one's well being.

No coward soul is mine.

"Honesty reaches up from within you and eventually tattoos itself on your face."

- Tom Pickett, actor in Vancouver

"There are two lines in my music. One line is my sins and the other line is forgiveness."

-Arvo Part

Here's to a Happy New Year.

HER words take my breath away

Do you like me?

I asked the blue blazer.

No answer.

Silence bounced out of his books.

Silence fell off of his tongue

and sat between us

and clogged my throat.

It slaughtered my trust.

It tore cigarettes out of my mouth.

We exchanged blind words,

and I did not cry,

and I did not beg,

but blackness filled my ears,

blackness lunged into my heart,

and something that had been good,

a sort of kindly oxygen,

turned into a gas oven.

Do you like me?

How absurd!

What's a question like that?

What's a silence like that?

And what am I hanging around for,

riddled with what his silence said?

- Anne Sexton, Lessons in Hunger

My soul says YES to this arrangement of words.

Yes, I am procrastinating.

Yes, I despise that word because it implies I am avoiding my studies but I would argue that I am still learning by discovering this poem and letting it dissolve like candy in my mouth.

So there.

Yes, I am going back to paper writing.

What a relief to read these words

"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, or make any celebration of joy."

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

- Ursula K. Le Guin

Viceroy

I am happy not to be with you

MY viceroy butterfly

Utterly chaotic inside

Completely still outside

Waiting for others to make the first move

I plunged into your stillness

recklessly abandoning

thought or reason.

So human it hurts,

I look for something true

Unfortunately,

it wasn’t you.

Chemainus

For the past four months I have lived and worked in a small town on the coast of Vancouver Island. I have watched with wonder as the people of Chemainus have opened their homes and their hearts to me. I am forever grateful to all of the beautiful, innovative, and loving people I have met here.

Thank you,

Dave and Michelle, for opening your home to me and teaching me about the endless amounts of love one can have. Rebecca and Madeleine, for being bright lights of life when I was walking through darkness. Debbie, for Menno-mart trips, making me laugh til I nearly pee my pants, and being my God-sent angel when I needed you the most. Suzanne, for your endless hope and smiling eyes. Jim, for making a girl feel loved and appreciated. Derek and Scott, for being strong men in a world where it is often easier to stay boys. Bob, for your honesty. Eliza, for your frankness. Keely, for your soft heart and strong will. Kym, for laughing with me and sharing your children. Mark and Shannon, for making your life a work of art others can only appreciate. Marlie, for being my stand-in momma and the funniest woman I’ve ever met. Kathy and Ward, for appreciating hard work and running a business I can stand behind and be proud of. Scott and Su, for letting me experience your program and learn from your kids. Vern, for always listening to me. Mark and Erin, for being lovely housemates. Ruby, for always making sure you get a hug and a kiss before I leave the house in the morning. Hannah, for being hardcore and fearless. Dave, for showing me around the land you love so much, our shared passion for trees, and, of course, your fine taste in trucks. Sam, for including me in your fun. Joel, for dinner dates and much needed hugs. JD, for coming to visit. Dani, for your unrelenting love and compassion. My Creator, for mercy and grace when I don’t deserve it, for always, always providing what I need, and giving new hope where there once was none.

With all of my heart,

Thank you.

Unnatural Knowledge

a perverted trinity
upside down in
my head
Judas spins round and round
his misery completed in my mouth
I allow my own evil
to sit and fester
saturating his
forever tortured
body.

oh heavens
open up and let me in.
My love, my passion
can only be for you,
The Beloved.
Seduce me into
a feast for two.