Merry After Christmas

I'm cleaning out my closet, so to speak. It's time for a room reno and new ways of space saving in my tiny room.

I saved every note, every picture from my camp days so I've been going through and reminiscing. I loved camp very much and I had forgotten what an impact it had on my life. I had forgotten the people who were so dear to me. I laughed a lot while reading all of the drama that surrounds intentional community living.

I have a problem.

I never finish journals. I write in about half of all of them and then it's on to the next one. I can't explain how much that bothers me. It is so hard to track my journalling throughout the years. Gah I was so scattered.

Have a favourite Christmas present? Tell me about it.

Mine was calling my family in Saskatchewan. TREAT.

One thing I love: dying to the old and making room for the new, in many ways.

Happy Holidays?

I hate Christmas songs.

You know, the lame ones that they play in department stores. The cheap imitations of the good Christmas songs.

I've heard them way too many times in the last couple of days.

OR. What's worse is the 'I'm gonna miss you a lot this Christmas' song. I've had just about enough of those as well thank you very much. I have enough things reminding me these days, I don't need every blinking song in the store to tell me as well.

Contrary to what I just wrote, I'm feeling great tonight. Reading a new play and heating my aching muscles after an intense two days of yoga. Tomorrow is running...much easier.

I realize I just wrote an entire blog post about nothing. Give me a break, I'm on a poetry hiatus right now. I just write down other people's thoughts nowadays. Which is just fine by me.

"Man's real power lies hidden in the agony which makes him cry out to God: and there he is at the same time helpless and omnipotent".

- The New Man, Thomas Merton

Christmas Times

I don't think I understand the concept of Christmas shopping. Oh I go into the store with good intentions alright. I have my list in my mind of what I have to get for each person. I walk in the store and all is lost because I see these great deals and since I haven't been to a mall in ages, never mind seen deals like this, I just go crazy. Gah I just end up buying for myself. How selfish of me.

I'm in the middle of a million books right now. One of them is called The New Man by Thomas Merton. He has a great way of putting together Kierkgaard's Sickness Unto Death and Fear and Trembling. Great book.

Come Away with Me

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Self Against Self in the midst of Despair

Fists growing cold
with larger inhibitions
Fantastic Four, Five, Six.
Count your enemies
label them one by one

You did nothing wrong.
Don't ever change your mind.
Stand strong in your beliefs.

Touch me not, feel me not
Stand in a corner
weak and tired
my muscles collapse
yours fade into oblivion
we are done
no more can we endure
It is done.


I don't remember what this is about but it must have sucked. I have a really bad memory which is part of the reason why I write, so I can look back and remember. This doesn't work as well when your writing is so obscure you don't know what it is in reference to. Whatever the reference or story behind this, I can relate to it right now.

Back to the Drawing Board...

I am reading a book called Seeking God by Esther de Waal. It's about her understanding of the Rule of St. Benedict. I think my next read will be the Rule.

I get so excited for Christmas Break because I get to read read read. And write.

Shows: A good friend of mine is in Suessical at Carousel Theatre. It runs twice a day, six times a week until January.

Christmas on the Air by Lucia Frangione is playing at Pacific Theatre right now. It is side splitting.

Have I been Dreaming?

I have been having the weirdest, craziest dreams I could ever have imagined. I often wonder how much dreams are telling us about ourselves and what we are processing in our sleep. I think my dreams are healing my past relationships, of all sorts. I dream about the people who have fallen out of my life for one reason or another. I think this is good, it is healthy.

I recently had a mini meltdown and deactivated my facebook account, decided to go on a popular music fast, look for a spiritual mentor, and write every day.

It's hard. Go figure.

Starting new habits and unlearning old ones is a birth of sorts, a growing pain. It follows the Rule of St. Benedict's paradox: when you strip away down to the minimum of anything it seems sterile at first, but then creativity grows out of that longing.

Creativity and strength of character are growing out of my longings and it is beautiful. The new habits are starting to feel normal and I am reaping the benefits of these changes. I want to overcome my self. To take away my worthless material things, my careerism, my comfortable lifestyle. I want to be uncomfortable in this temporal world, I am searching in my loneliness for self-worth and joy that is divine.

Be aware of your dreams. Be aware of your self. Be aware of God.

Making a Scene- Devoted and Disgruntled

This Friday I am attending Greater Vancouver Professional Theatre Alliance's (GVPTA) annual conference called Making a Scene: Devoted and Disgruntled. I recently read a blog post about the nature of this conference and I was very impressed. I have heard about the concept of Open Space before (during our summer tour) and I strongly believe it works in community building. Which is what this conference is all about.

There are still spaces available if this interests you at all, artist and audience members alike, and you can register online. Prices are purposefully low so that everyone is able to attend. It takes place this Friday and Saturday (Nov. 26 and 27). There is also a Social Bar happening on Friday evening for anyone to attend as well if you cannot make it to the conference so consider coming out!

This is a blog post by Sue Porter, GVPTA Executive Director, explaining Open Spaces:

By Sue Porter, GVPTA Executive Director

So, we’ve been talking a lot about the upcoming Making a Scene Conference and crowing about how excited we are that it will be held in a brand new format – Open Space. Well, that’s all well and good for us to say, but you may be asking yourself, “What is Open Space anyway, and why the heck are they so excited?”

When I was first approached with this idea and the possibility of having Improbable Theatre come over to lead us through it, I went to Improbable”s website where Phelim McDermott had posted his thoughts on Open Space. Open Space was originally created by Harrison Owen and has been used around the world since 1985 (for more on the history of Open Space, click here), but in reading Phelim’s description, here is what got me excited right away:

The Four Principles Of OPEN SPACE

• Whoever comes is the right people.
• Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
• Whenever it starts is the right time.
• When it is over, it is over.

THE ONE LAW of OPEN SPACE – THE LAW OF TWO FEET:
If at any time you find yourself in any situation where you are neither learning nor contributing… use your two feet.

And finally,

Typically by the conclusion of a meeting, the following promises have been kept:

• Every issue of concern to anybody has been laid upon the table.
• All issues have been discussed to the extent that anybody cared to do that.
• A full written record of all discussions exists and is in the hands of all participants.

How cool is that??

I began to envision our Making a Scene conference in this format – as an “extended coffee break” where people of like minds get to sit together and really talk about issues that matter most to them in a relaxed and informal atmosphere. Lynn Gardiner, theatre critic for the Guardian in the UK, attended one of Improbable’s “Devoted & Disgruntled” conferences in London and wrote,

“It was an exhausting and energising 48 hours made all the better by the fact that experienced theatre-makers rubbed shoulders on equal terms with those just starting out in the profession, those who create live art sat cheek by jowl with those who put on plays, people from touring companies could talk directly with artistic directors running buildings, and producers, actors, marketers, directors and, yes, even critics, were all on an equal footing.”

Imagine a group where we become each other’s teachers and leaders! Imagine a group of participants that includes not only theatre “professionals”, but EVERYONE who loves theatre and cares about the future of the arts in this province. The more I learn about Open Space, the more I am coming to understand that this conference will be highly productive and highly rewarding, but in a uniquely different way than a traditional conference. It will also probably be a bit chaotic, incredibly energizing and, I expect, A LOT OF FUN! No one will be in control, no one will be the “expert”, and this whirlwind of activity will be guided by the simple principles listed above, and the skillful help and guidance of our expert facilitators, Phelim and Matilda.

What will come out of this conference? I envision that the discussions begun during the conference will lead to more in depth considerations. Perhaps it will provide the GVPTA with topics for future workshops. Perhaps it will spawn task-forces of like-minded individuals. Perhaps it will lead to future mini D&D’s on a regular basis, hosted by the GVPTA. Most importantly, I hope that it will re-invigorate and re-energize our community. Lord knows the last year has beaten us all down a little bit. But it is entirely within our capabilities to bolster each other up, to find cooperative means of mutual support and empowerment, to discover new and creative means to approach the challenges that face us, and to reconnect with the art, the artists and the love of the craft that drew us into the theatre in the first place.

Am I being naive and idealistic to expect such lofty goals from two days? Perhaps. What can I say? I’m a cup half full kind of girl. And I believe that this community has great power, great passion and more than enough great ideas to make all of this possible. And I’m more excited about this conference than I have been about any conference in a long time.

‘Nuff said. I look forward to continuing the conversation with all of you on Nov. 26 & 27th.

New-ish stuff

My soul is travelling through the darkness
the muck
the stench
body swaying
tripping and falling
every direction is a new way out

You are my lesbian love
My creator
The divine gay

Stuck in my sinful sludge
rehearsing mistakes
over and over
careful
methodic
breathing doesn't come easy

start over.
self. edit.

I had a dream...

The world was ending. The sky was dark and clouded. I was travelling in a vehicle on a busy freeway with people. I don't know who they were. By busy I mean slow moving, cars were going off the road, some were on fire. General chaos.

Surrounding the freeway was wasteland. Burning, scorched, and flat.

We pulled over on the side of the road. There was a plain, wooden, one room shack. There was no signage anywhere except the door. The sign on the door read 'Humor'. We went in and started to come to life. Sheets of paper were passed around. Ideas were shared and written down. We laughed til we cried. We cried til we laughed. We stayed there.

Humor saved us in the end.

Montreal and Ottawa

We had a day in Montreal and a day in Ottawa with shows back to back. Our Montreal show was smaller, more intimate but an attentive audience.

The Ottawa show was in an amazing space, St. Michael and All Angels Anglican Church, right downtown. Walking into the space you could tell that this congregation is vibrantly alive and well. The room had tons of natural light shining through windows all around and a huge skylight (what kind of a church has a skylight). There was art hanging all over the room that was made by the people in the congregation. They had a BBQ before the show and a lot of people ended up coming to see our show. We had a Q and A afterward and the discussion was wonderful.

I love my job.

We are now in Toronto staying at the St. John's Convent while we slightly rejuvenate and get ready for the next stretch of our trip.

Newfoundland

This is our last day in St. John's, Newfoundland. So far we have done two shows and seen many many beautiful sights. We went to Signal Hill, Cape Spear, and the notorious George Street to name a few. St. John's is very welcoming and gorgeous. I have to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here.

Tomorrow we are flying back to Toronto where we will be pimping out our tour van (we're hoping for a hot tub in the back) and spending the rest of the day in Guelph. On Wednesday we drive to Vankleek Hills (halfway between Ottawa and Montreal). Our next show is in Montreal and then we continue west from there.

WOW

I hardly have words for yesterday. We performed in the morning for about 575 people and the response has been unreal. It was streamed live on the internet (which is definitely not the same experience) but nonetheless, people from all over the country are now trying to get us to their town.

I am brought to tears regularly from people coming up to me and telling me how the show affected them. And 20 times a day I say to myself, "This is why I do what I do". We have created a piece of theatre that is important and deeply moving. People laugh one minute and the next second tears are streaming down their face. I am overwhelmed by this response and the way I have been treated by the Anglican Church of Canada. We were invited to the Synod banquet last night where we all sat at different tables and I ended up sitting at a table near the front of the room with the lady who financed the whole dinner and a bishop and some priests. And I had this out of body experience where I watched myself captivate these people and talk to them about giving ourselves permission to fail, eliminating judgement in the workplace and in our lives (are you laughing yet, because I am). I am 20 years old. I am talking to people who are in positions of power and authority. And clear as a bell it came to me, I am here for a reason. I have important things to tell these people and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. This church is dying and they need passionate young people and I have been given a chance to speak and you better believe I'm going to take that chance. This church needs us and we need this church.

I wrote this prayer in the middle of May:

Lord hear my prayer:

In all my loudness, let me stop long enough to hear your deafening silence. In all my pride, let me constantly fall on my face. In all my bitterness, let me open my eyes to grace. In all my vanity, let me become frustrated with the pettiness. In all my criticism, let me make room for redeeming qualities. In all my confidence, give me humility. In all my working, let me understand I will reap what I sow. In all my loving, let me know the heart of a servant. In all my reading, allow me to remember the knowledge worth remembering. In all my decision making, allow me to realize the tiny reality in which I live. In all my discipline, allow me the ability to break the rules. In all my speaking, let me say something worth saying. In all my happiness, let me acknowledge those who weep. In all my weeping, let me do away with self-consciousness.

In all my life, let me create.

New Day

Thank you thank you thank you

If you have emailed me, thought about emailing me, prayed for me, have thought about praying for me.

It struck me yesterday how lonely this whole touring thing is. I would not feel nearly as grounded if I did not have all the texts, messages, phone calls etc. that I get on a DAILY basis. You are all incredible.

We have finished both our preview shows with talkbacks and I'm currently sitting in a home in one of the wealthiest parts of Toronto, a hop and a skip away from Yonge street. Yes, I am a fan of billeting. I am also so very spoiled.

We had a variety of people come to our show yesterday and the day before. Yesterday we had some theatre people from Toronto come, some theatre educators, actors in film and theatre, producers and directors. The general consensus in terms of reaction to the show is inspiring for me. People are blown away at our connection onstage and the focus. We got a comment yesterday about how seamless our transitions were and if you are a student of Aaron Caleb or Angela Konrad, that makes you very very happy. Long story short, I am very encouraged and ready to rehearse some more today.

Halifax tomorrow!

Gah

Okay it's official. I'm the worst updater ever.

This past month has been beyond inspiring. I feel like we have created a gift to bring to the Anglican church and communities of faith across the country. What we have created is very special and I am proud of my work and even my personal discoveries along the way.

I have been reading The Confessions of St. Augustine and he has somehow ended up in our play. I like that. I like that our group embraces conflict and community and we are very VERY different but so supportive of each other's journey. We laugh A LOT. We cook together, I think there is something healing about that. Somehow all of the shit of our lives ends up being shared in the kitchen. Or around the table. Or in our favourite tree we climb.

We start travelling tomorrow and I expect I will be updating you a lot more in order for you to know when to come see me! We leave tomorrow morning for a preview in Guelph tomorrow night. On Thursday we leave for Toronto and have a preview and talkback that night. We have Friday off in Toronto and then on Saturday we leave for Halifax and our first performance is next Tuesday.

I emailed two of my professors from Trinity and thanked them profusely for making me work hard at my craft and training us the way they do. Everything I have learnt is enabling me to create to the best of my ability. And I mean that. I feel like I am doing everything to the best I possibly can as Karyn and I am working hard at it. I feel grounded and confident as an artist and person.

If you pray, I would appreciate prayers. If you email, I always love a good letter although I can't guarantee a response.

Here's our collective blog

Karyn

Almost a Week

I can't believe it hasn't even been a week yet. It feels like ages have gone by.

There were a lot of bonding moments with the company this week. One of our cast members decided to go home because of personal issues so we are down to 5 actors. We have laughed A LOT these past couple of days. These are some funny people and they are always making me pee my pants. We are all very different but I am glad I am learning so much from them.

I'm currently sick with a cough and cold which doesn't make rehearsals very energizing so if you pray, maybe you could pray for health. I'm also struggling with homesickness and that is challenging as well because I would like to put my heart and soul into this project without thinking about home all the time. These last couple of days have been better. I think it will take time.

We have drum circles almost every night. In fact, there is one happening right below me as I type (I live on the second floor of our house). Our producer has a collection of african drums, or that style at least, and a bunch of wooden instruments so we are usually singing together and making music. I like living with hella creative people. Last night we sang 'Single ladies' to just drums. I thought it went really well.

My days are spent in rehearsals and making meals with the rest of the company. We have 3 hours of rehearsal in the morning, and 3 hours in the afternoon and then we have the evening to prepare for the next day so things are always quite busy around here.

I think I might have to go join the drum circle...

Arrived

I'm here! I got here Tuesday night but it has been hard to get ahold of internet so here I am. I don't even know what day it is actually but I know it's been a couple days. Just checked my phone, it's Thursday.

There's so much to tell, I don't even know where to begin. This summer is exactly what I want to do with my life.

Here's part of a journal entry I wrote on May 5:

"I go through phases of loving the simplicity of this place and then feeling like I want to reject it. Sometimes I really want to be here and sometimes I just want to hop on the next plane home. My reactions are violent but within. Wild, but contained. The streets are so quiet at night, so calm. The room is simple, so simple, but old and antique. I feel like a queen living here. A queen without a watch or a cellphone or internet. My mind is beginning to clear, duh Karyn, of course you are reacting strongly to this. A lot of your ways of fake communicating and connecting with people have been taken away, of course you feel this way. This new way is fearful, strange, and a little bit unknown. Okay a lot unknown. You will have to acquire new ways of communicating and expressing that don’t involve updating your status."


This is a very peaceful place and I constantly find myself inspired, although exhausted as well. The company is mostly talking and doing different warmups and skill games right now but soon we will get into writing and exploration.


Oh we also have a lovely producer who, for the first week, is cooking us AMAZING meals. Homemade everything. It is tasty.

Their attitudes differ

i

To understand
each other: anything
but that, & to avoid it

I will suspend my search for
germs if you will keep
your fingers off the microfilm
hidden inside my skin

ii

I approach this love
like a biologist
pulling on my rubber
gloves & white labcoat

You flee from it
like an escaped political
prisoner, and no wonder

iii

You held out your hand
I took your fingerprints

You asked for love
I gave you only descriptions

Please die I said
so I can write about it

After all you are quite
ordinary: 2 arms 2 legs
a head, a reasonable
body, toes & fingers, a few
eccentricities, a few honesties
but not too many, too many
postponements & regrets but

you'll adjust to it, meeting
deadlines and other
people, pretending to love
the wrong woman some of the
time, listening to your brain
shrink, your diaries
expanding as you grow older,

growing older, of course you'll
die but not yet, you'll outlive
even my distortions of you

and there isn't anything
I want to do about the fact
that you are unhappy & sick

you aren't sick & unhappy
only alive & stuck with it.

yes at first you
go down smooth as
pills, all of me
breathes you in and then it's

a kick in the head, orange
and brutal, sharp jewels
hit and my
hair splinters

the adjectives
fall away from me, no
threads left holding
me, I flake apart
layer by
layer down
quietly to the bone, my skull
unfolds to an astounded flower

regrowing the body, learning
speech again takes
days and longer
each time / too much of
this is fatal

-Margaret Atwood

We are supposed to bring along things that inspire us on this trip. I am bringing my book of poems by Emily Dickinson and Margaret Atwood. I'm also bringing The Mind of the Maker by Dorothy Sayers. It's going to be a 'Wonderful Women of the World' summer. Any women of the past or present inspire you? Leave me a comment and let me know.

PS. 4 days til I leave.

A Job That Pays?

I leave in less than two weeks on a brand new adventure. Away from these people, this home, this life.

I'm travelling across Canada with a theatre company from Toronto. I get to write a play with other actors and directors from across the country and then tour our masterpiece to all the major cities and a few others aaaall summer. Sigh. I also get to see my family in Saskatchewan. Did I mention I was excited?

So here's where you come in internet. I'm supposed to be interviewing people before I leave about their faith experiences. I want to challenge myself by interviewing people very different from myself. This could mean physically different, religiously different, or socially different. Anything that makes us not in all the same descriptive categories in some way. If you are interested, please leave a comment on this post.

TED Talk

It is funny to me how many people have sent me this link. It's almost like theatre is important to me or something. Enjoy.

Patsy Rodenburg: Why I do Theatre

I love my job. yes. no. kill me now.

What a semester.

I feel grounded now, at peace with my life, more hopeful than I've ever been, and I can do anything. I can do anything I want to. I've ran into many people from my past in these last couple of months and the general consensus is one of hopelessness. These people had all sorts of dreams when I knew them in high school and beyond. And now they are working at Starbucks wondering how they can become the manager or new shift supervisor. It's like they peaked in high school and believing that they could do what they wanted with their lives stopped there. How sad.

Please do a job you love, whoever you are. I am basking in the goodness that is my life right now, not without its troubles mind you, but on the whole I am very very happy and content. A rarity among my friends I am finding. I am reading the Anti-Theatrical Prejudice by Jonas Barish right now and although it's slow reading I am finding myself appalled at how counter-cultural theatre and acting really is. I finally had to ask myself, am I willing to constantly be fighting to be taken seriously, to tell the truth in the face of a stubborn society, and to always know that I am both adored and loathed?
Yes. Yes yes yes a million times yes.

Do something that instills passion in you. Do not choose a profession or a lifestyle out of obligation, money, anger, or vengeance even. Do it because it gives you life. Makes you laugh, makes you cry, forces you into relationship, causes you to be wise, wills you to be good and to do good.

Shamless Plug

Almost forgot...

As You Like It opens this week at Trinity Western University.

There is a preview performance on Tuesday night for half price and opening night is Wednesday.
The run is Mar. 16-27

Come and enjoy side splitting comedy and a night of Bard!

I love a man who knows his languages...

tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner- to understand everything is to forgive everything

The phrase my boyfriend keeps gently reciting to me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness these days. He's right. As per usual. If we knew about and understood everything a person has experienced, we would forgive them everything.

Tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner!

Here's to trying...and grace when failing

You broke me then
You break me now
I stand before you ready to defend my dignity
No need, you do it for me
I am gold, you say, I am pure gold
Oh what you could be if your actions met your words
Oh! what your soul would sing if you listened to the unconventional truth of your future instead of your past.
Do your weary heart a favor and erase the bad memories with me
Put the good ones in your pocket
Save them for later
Don't be happy, don't even think about it
You face says you win, your heart says you lie
I wish you would die.

Epilogue

I've rehearsed it
Over and over
After all that
thinking
All i've come
up with
is
hi.

What brilliant words I have stumbled upon...

No Coward Soul Is Mine

No coward soul is mine
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere
I see Heaven's glories shine
And Faith shines equal arming me from Fear

O God within my breast
Almighty ever-present Deity
Life, that in me hast rest
As I Undying Life, have power in Thee

Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts unutterably vain,
Worthless as withered weeds
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main

To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by thy infinity
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of Immortality

With wide-embracing love
Thy spirit animates eternal years
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates and rears

Though Earth and moon were gone
And suns and universes ceased to be
And thou wert left alone
Every Existence would exist in thee

There is not room for Death
Nor atom that his might could render void
Since thou art Being and Breath
And what thou art may never be destroyed

"Still, let my tyrants know, I am not doomed to wear
Year and year in gloom and desolate despair;
A messenger of Hope comes every night to me,
And offers, for short life, eternal liberty.

He comes with western winds, with evening's wandering airs,
With that clear dusk of heaven that brings the thickest stars;
Winds take a pensive tone, and stars a tender fire,
And visions rise and change that kill me with desire-

"Desire for nothing known in my maturer years
When joy grew made with awe at counting future tears;
When, if my spirit's sky was full of flashes warm,
I knew not whence they came, from sun or thunderstorm;

"But first a hush of peace, a soundless calm descends;
The struggle of distress and fierce impatience ends;
Mute music soothes my breast- unuttered harmony
That I could never dream till earth was lost to me.

"Then dawms the Invisible, the Unseen its truth reveals;
My outward sense is fone, my inward essence feels-
Its wings are almost free, its home, its harbour found;
Measuring the gulf it stoops and dares the final bound!

"Oh dreadful is the check- intense the agony
When the ear begins to hear and the eye begins to see;
When the pulse begins to throb, the brain to think again,
The soul to feel the flesh and the flesh to feel the chain!

"Yet I would lose no sting, would wish no torture less;
The more that anguish rack the earlier it will bless;
And robed in fires of Hell, or bright with heavenly shine,
If it but herald Death, the vision is divine."

She ceased to speak, and we, unanswering turned to go-
We had no further power to work the captive woe;
Her cheek, her gleaming eye, declared that man had given
A sentence unapproved, and overruled by Heaven.

Emily Bronte

It says in the notes at the bottom of the page as a footnote to the title, "According to Charlotte Bronte, these are the last lines written by her sister".

I am overcome by this piece of art.

Behold

This is from the Christmas times.

Behold the lamb of God
Behold the still street
The sleeping world awaits me
I run through the air
My lungs get caught in the musty
mother of the night
Fog drips onto my face like dew
No care in the world for the moment
Surprising.
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
most days.
Not this one
Surely he hath bore our griefs and carried our sorrows.
Am I to love the inconvenient and the annoying?
Is that my purpose?
He was despised, he bore Sorrow
Sorrow pitted deep
in pain and bitterness
Get out. Get out damned spot.

I wrote this while listening to Handel's Messiah

This is the New Year

"The gracious person loves without worrying about whether the person he loves is worthy of his love. Or perhaps it would be better to say that the gracious person sees what is valuable in the person he loves, and does not worry about whether it is more or less valuable than what could be found in someone else he might have loved."
-Robert Merrihew Adams

I have a hard time loving people. There are just so many unlovable people out there. It is appropriate then, for this convinction of grace to fall upon me this coming year. I can be so cynical, unforgiving, grudge-holding, and let's be honest, just plain hateful sometimes. What is it in us that creates a gentle spirit. A gracious spirit. How do I learn how to live well by reversing my way of thinking?

A large task ahead of me I'm sure.

Read Rilke if you would like to feel good about yourself.