From the Journal:

I'll be keeping a summer journal as well but most of my writing will most likely find its way on here. Here's from the journal so far today:

I can deal with feeling alone. But feeling lonely is a whole different ballgame. Lonely means I’m going to have to rely on God. What a scary thought. So many times the easy road looks way less exhausting and has less tears involved that I would rather just sit in that. But then I look at how my life has been absolutely flipped upside down by facing hardship and heartache and I know that I have to face my loneliness with my tissues ready.

Murrayville is a great little community. As I sit in a coffee shop in the heart of this tiny community I sense a safe place. I sense a wholesome atmosphere and that is what draws me here, to this tiny corner. I want this to become my writing spot. This place is perfect for people watching. Kathryn Scott, a worship song writer (Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lead me to the Cross) makes a habit of going to coffee shops to write almost everyday and she says that is where she gets most of her songs from. Her journals.

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I miss reading the newspaper at Sam’s house. It’s strange how many little habits we realize we have when we’re completely out of our comfort zone or living in another person’s presence. I’ve become self conscience of all my little living habits. Like the newspaper. Every morning when I lived at home I would have to hunt down the newspaper, usually from my parents room, and take out the arts and life section (the only section that really mattered) and read it while eating a toasted bagel. The Splinter’s usually don’t have bagels.

It’s funny how your life changes once you graduate. I feel guilty when i’m not doing homework or at school or work. I feel like i’m being lazy and that is probably one of my worst fears. I didn’t realize until this year but laziness really bothers me. Especially when I am lazy. Today I decided I wasn’t going to sit on the couch and watch reruns of the OC, Friends, and Sex and the City.

I can’t even believe the Splinter family sometimes. They treat me like their own. They don’t even know but somehow they understand. Dan does things that a dad would do, like putting on my license plates, after a month of promises from my real dad. Carla knows when i’m having a bad day when my mom still can't tell sometimes. Somehow she knows what not having a family is like. I thank God every single day for that family. It can’t be easy having someone invade their family space either yet they graciously open their home to me. I am beyond blessed. This is how I know God is guiding my life. He wants good things for me. His plans for me are good. GOOD. I have gotten a taste of God’s goodness this year. A little glimpse of what that means. As I explored Isaiah and looked at God’s promises for me I came across several verses that bring me great comfort and peace. “You will also command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.” Isaiah 55:5

As that promise sinks farther into my heart I realize the goodness of that promise. NATIONS I do not know will come running. What does that mean for theatre? What is God up to? My acting prof’s words are running through my head, “I think this play making process will change your life”. I’m beginning to see change as a good thing when I hear things like that. How will I change? Will nations come running because of this change? Will it be glorious? I think becoming glorious means that the deepest desire of my heart would be to see people glorify God by the work I do. I want that. I looked back at the verse and it says that God has already made us glorious. I am already glorious. I have already affected and been affected.

I love when I read plays with characters that are like my friends. I usually end up laughing when I make the connection because some of the characters are so ridiculous. If you ever see a play and think the characters are a bit unrealistic or stereotypical, chances are if you think about it long enough you could probably find someone in your life that reminds you of that character. The beauty of theatre.

“Zastrozzi -- self-proclaimed master criminal of the world -- is out to seek revenge on his arch-nemesis, the hapless impressionist painter, Verezzi, who Zastrozzi believes killed his mother. Zastrozzi concocts a diabolical plot to destroy Verezzi using Matilda, his sometimes mistress and the most acclaimed seductress in Europe, as bait. A NYTHEATER.com review concluded, "Zastrozzi is all about Heroes and Villains, Grand Gestures and Great Loves. Above all it's about our common love -- and need -- for drama that's larger than life; for outsized personalities treading boldly across life's glorious stage."

I’m reading Zastrozzi right now. It’s a play about a power struggle between good and evil. Zastrozzi is evil. His match is Matilda, a sex fiend who relies on Zastrozzi to give her the meaningless sex she feels she needs (I’ve obviously been watching too much Sex and the City because Matilda reminds me way too much of Samantha). Zastrozzi and Matilda are arguing and he hits her. He claims to be “making a point” while she says that he is “treating [her] this way because [she] is a woman”. His reply is, “Nonsense. Women, men, children, goats. I treat them all the same. I ask them to be answerable”. Is that what we want as humans? Is that what we request from people? For them to be answerable. For them to be responsible to us. Is that selfish to want that? Lately there’s been the theme of silence in my head. What is destructive silence and what is constructive silence and where, oh where, is the fine line between the two? Is it destructive to not be answerable or is it destructive to require others to be answerable?