Theatre Reflections

Christmas 2011

2011-12-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

Looking back over my year in writing, here are a few reflections I have come across:

I break the bread, gladly, willingly even, but I am scared to drink from the chalice of passion. My thirst seems so dangerous and yet so necessary if I am to be a self.

Self-examination is the 'hell' or the valley of fear one must travel through in order to be closer to God. There is no such thing as the good soul that Dante talks about in Canto III. As soon as one chooses self-examination, the pretense of the good soul vanishes, forcing one to look at the sin and darkness of their existence as well as acknowledge their rightful place in hell.

I wonder at the survival instinct of humans. I marvel at our ability to absorb the tragedies of life. I laugh at Despair, ruthlessly attempting to rip me apart. You will not win. My hope absolves my fear.

Gentle words are a tree of life.

To indulge or contain. They seem to counter one another but I am finding they reflect one another. Indulging is necessary only once containment has taken place. Rather than being helpful, one without the other is detrimental and hazardous to one's well being.

No coward soul is mine.

"Honesty reaches up from within you and eventually tattoos itself on your face."

- Tom Pickett, actor in Vancouver

"There are two lines in my music. One line is my sins and the other line is forgiveness."

-Arvo Part

Here's to a Happy New Year.

HER words take my breath away

2011-11-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

Do you like me?

I asked the blue blazer.

No answer.

Silence bounced out of his books.

Silence fell off of his tongue

and sat between us

and clogged my throat.

It slaughtered my trust.

It tore cigarettes out of my mouth.

We exchanged blind words,

and I did not cry,

and I did not beg,

but blackness filled my ears,

blackness lunged into my heart,

and something that had been good,

a sort of kindly oxygen,

turned into a gas oven.

Do you like me?

How absurd!

What's a question like that?

What's a silence like that?

And what am I hanging around for,

riddled with what his silence said?

- Anne Sexton, Lessons in Hunger

My soul says YES to this arrangement of words.

Yes, I am procrastinating.

Yes, I despise that word because it implies I am avoiding my studies but I would argue that I am still learning by discovering this poem and letting it dissolve like candy in my mouth.

So there.

Yes, I am going back to paper writing.

What a relief to read these words

2011-11-01T13:48:00.001-07:00

"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, or make any celebration of joy."

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

- Ursula K. Le Guin

Viceroy

2011-09-24T11:48:00.001-07:00

I am happy not to be with you

MY viceroy butterfly

Utterly chaotic inside

Completely still outside

Waiting for others to make the first move

I plunged into your stillness

recklessly abandoning

thought or reason.

So human it hurts,

I look for something true

Unfortunately,

it wasn’t you.

Chemainus

2011-08-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

For the past four months I have lived and worked in a small town on the coast of Vancouver Island. I have watched with wonder as the people of Chemainus have opened their homes and their hearts to me. I am forever grateful to all of the beautiful, innovative, and loving people I have met here.

Thank you,

Dave and Michelle, for opening your home to me and teaching me about the endless amounts of love one can have. Rebecca and Madeleine, for being bright lights of life when I was walking through darkness. Debbie, for Menno-mart trips, making me laugh til I nearly pee my pants, and being my God-sent angel when I needed you the most. Suzanne, for your endless hope and smiling eyes. Jim, for making a girl feel loved and appreciated. Derek and Scott, for being strong men in a world where it is often easier to stay boys. Bob, for your honesty. Eliza, for your frankness. Keely, for your soft heart and strong will. Kym, for laughing with me and sharing your children. Mark and Shannon, for making your life a work of art others can only appreciate. Marlie, for being my stand-in momma and the funniest woman I’ve ever met. Kathy and Ward, for appreciating hard work and running a business I can stand behind and be proud of. Scott and Su, for letting me experience your program and learn from your kids. Vern, for always listening to me. Mark and Erin, for being lovely housemates. Ruby, for always making sure you get a hug and a kiss before I leave the house in the morning. Hannah, for being hardcore and fearless. Dave, for showing me around the land you love so much, our shared passion for trees, and, of course, your fine taste in trucks. Sam, for including me in your fun. Joel, for dinner dates and much needed hugs. JD, for coming to visit. Dani, for your unrelenting love and compassion. My Creator, for mercy and grace when I don’t deserve it, for always, always providing what I need, and giving new hope where there once was none.

With all of my heart,

Thank you.

Unnatural Knowledge

2011-08-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

a perverted trinity
upside down in
my head
Judas spins round and round
his misery completed in my mouth
I allow my own evil
to sit and fester
saturating his
forever tortured
body.

oh heavens
open up and let me in.
My love, my passion
can only be for you,
The Beloved.
Seduce me into
a feast for two.

Thanks for Thinking

2011-08-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine wrote an excellent piece on the story of Job. Take a look here.

April 21

2011-07-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

What April dusk cannot show
is revealed in the slow
growing of the trees.
Just when winter is overgrown
sun shines through
and saves the cycle
we rely on.

A bit of prophesy in my life.

Strange Waters

2011-03-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

I've seen a high cairn kissed by holy wind
Seen a mirror pool cut by golden fins
Seen alleys where they hide the truth of cities
The mad whose blessing you must accept without pity

I've stood in airports guarded glass and chrome
Walked rifled roads and landmined loam
Seen a forest in flames right down to the road
Burned in love till I've seen my heart explode

You've been leading me
Beside strange waters

Across the concrete fields of man
Sun ray like a camera pans
Some will run and some will stand
Everything is bullshit but the open hand

You've been leading me
Beside strange waters
Streams of beautiful lights in the night
But where is my pastureland in these dark valleys?
If I loose my grip, will I take flight?

You've been leading me
Beside strange waters
Streams of beautiful lights in the night
But where is my pastureland in these dark valleys?
If I loose my grip, will I take flight?

Bruce Cockburn

Pride is Attractive

2011-03-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight,
And burned is Apollo’s laurel bough,
That sometime grew within this learned man.
Faustus is gone; regard his hellish fall,
Whose fiendfull fortune may exhort the wise	90
Only to wonder at unlawful things,
Whose deepness doth entice such forward wits
To practise more than heavenly power permits. Doctor Faustus, Marlowe

It's been Snowing while I've been Staring

2011-03-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

Fall on me

Spirit of cold

Snow of love

above the rut

I've pulled

myself

from.

Defeated no more

I breathe

into the

future.

Feb. 21

Baroque Art

2011-03-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Denial

When my devotions could not pierce
Thy silent ears;
Then was my heart broken, as was my verse:
My breast was full of fears
And disorder:

My bent thoughts, like a brittle bow,
Did fly asunder:
Each took his way; some would to pleasures go,
Some to the wars and thunder
Of alarms.

As good go any where, they say,
As to benumb
Both knees and heart, in crying night and day,
Come, come, my God, O come,
But no hearing.

O that thou shouldst give dust a tongue
To cry to thee,
And then not hear it crying! all day long
My heart was in my knee,
But no hearing.

Therefore my soul lay out of sight,
Untuned, unstrung:
My feeble spirit, unable to look right,
Like a nipped blossom, hung
Discontented.

O cheer and tune my heartless breast,
Defer no time;
That so thy favors granting my request,
They and my mind may chime,
And mend my rime.

- George Herbert

Prayer

2011-02-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

Go to sleep my dying dreams, my dying desires
Go to sleep hidden devil, hidden hate
Well covered, waiting til dark to show your insolent head
Go to sleep, weary mind, restless rom the day's toil
Grant me dreams to reflect my soul
and spill my patient secrets
Grant me love to reflect your love, peace, patience,
all the way to self control.

In Silence

2011-02-11T21:55:00.000-08:00

Be still.
Listen to the stones of the wall.
Be silent, they try
to speak your

name.
Listen
to the living walls.

Who are you?
Who
are you? Whose
silence are you?

Who (be quiet)
are you (as these stones
are quiet). Do not
think of what you are
still less of
what you may one day be.

Rather
be what you are (but who?)
be the unthinkable one
you do not know.

O be still, while
you are still alive,
and all things live around you

speaking (I do not hear)
to your own being,
speaking by the unknown
that is in you and in themselves.

“I will try, like them
to be my own silence:
and this is difficult. The whole
world is secretly on fire. The stones
burn, even the stones they burn me.
How can a man be still or
listen to all things burning?
How can he dare to sit with them
when all their silence is on fire?”

- Thomas Merton

Number Seventy Eight

2011-01-18T23:36:00.000-08:00

To the one who inspires my muse most often,

78

So oft have I invoked thee for my muse,
And found such fair assistance in my verse,
As every alien pen hath got my use,
And under thee their poesy disperse.
Thine eyes, that taught the dumb on high to sing,
And heavy ignorance aloft to fly,
Have added feathers to the learned's wing,
And given grace a double majesty.
Yet be most proud of that which I compile,
Whose influence is thine, and born of thee,
In others' works thou dost but mend the style,
And arts with thy sweet graces graced be.
But thou art all my art, and dost advance
As high as learning, my rude ignorance.

Dear Vogue,

2011-01-14T19:10:00.001-08:00

Dear Vogue, I can't keep up with SIX YEAR OLD girls.

Merry After Christmas

2010-12-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm cleaning out my closet, so to speak. It's time for a room reno and new ways of space saving in my tiny room.

I saved every note, every picture from my camp days so I've been going through and reminiscing. I loved camp very much and I had forgotten what an impact it had on my life. I had forgotten the people who were so dear to me. I laughed a lot while reading all of the drama that surrounds intentional community living.

I have a problem.

I never finish journals. I write in about half of all of them and then it's on to the next one. I can't explain how much that bothers me. It is so hard to track my journalling throughout the years. Gah I was so scattered.

Have a favourite Christmas present? Tell me about it.

Mine was calling my family in Saskatchewan. TREAT.

One thing I love: dying to the old and making room for the new, in many ways.

Happy Holidays?

2010-12-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

I hate Christmas songs.

You know, the lame ones that they play in department stores. The cheap imitations of the good Christmas songs.

I've heard them way too many times in the last couple of days.

OR. What's worse is the 'I'm gonna miss you a lot this Christmas' song. I've had just about enough of those as well thank you very much. I have enough things reminding me these days, I don't need every blinking song in the store to tell me as well.

Contrary to what I just wrote, I'm feeling great tonight. Reading a new play and heating my aching muscles after an intense two days of yoga. Tomorrow is running...much easier.

I realize I just wrote an entire blog post about nothing. Give me a break, I'm on a poetry hiatus right now. I just write down other people's thoughts nowadays. Which is just fine by me.

"Man's real power lies hidden in the agony which makes him cry out to God: and there he is at the same time helpless and omnipotent".

- The New Man, Thomas Merton

Christmas Times

2010-12-21T21:54:00.000-08:00

I don't think I understand the concept of Christmas shopping. Oh I go into the store with good intentions alright. I have my list in my mind of what I have to get for each person. I walk in the store and all is lost because I see these great deals and since I haven't been to a mall in ages, never mind seen deals like this, I just go crazy. Gah I just end up buying for myself. How selfish of me.

I'm in the middle of a million books right now. One of them is called The New Man by Thomas Merton. He has a great way of putting together Kierkgaard's Sickness Unto Death and Fear and Trembling. Great book.

Come Away with Me

2010-12-20T22:04:00.000-08:00

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Self Against Self in the midst of Despair

2010-12-16T11:48:00.001-08:00

Fists growing cold
with larger inhibitions
Fantastic Four, Five, Six.
Count your enemies
label them one by one

You did nothing wrong.
Don't ever change your mind.
Stand strong in your beliefs.

Touch me not, feel me not
Stand in a corner
weak and tired
my muscles collapse
yours fade into oblivion
we are done
no more can we endure
It is done.

I don't remember what this is about but it must have sucked. I have a really bad memory which is part of the reason why I write, so I can look back and remember. This doesn't work as well when your writing is so obscure you don't know what it is in reference to. Whatever the reference or story behind this, I can relate to it right now.

Back to the Drawing Board...

2010-12-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book called Seeking God by Esther de Waal. It's about her understanding of the Rule of St. Benedict. I think my next read will be the Rule.

I get so excited for Christmas Break because I get to read read read. And write.

Shows: A good friend of mine is in Suessical at Carousel Theatre. It runs twice a day, six times a week until January.

Christmas on the Air by Lucia Frangione is playing at Pacific Theatre right now. It is side splitting.

Have I been Dreaming?

2010-12-01T15:54:00.001-08:00

I have been having the weirdest, craziest dreams I could ever have imagined. I often wonder how much dreams are telling us about ourselves and what we are processing in our sleep. I think my dreams are healing my past relationships, of all sorts. I dream about the people who have fallen out of my life for one reason or another. I think this is good, it is healthy.

I recently had a mini meltdown and deactivated my facebook account, decided to go on a popular music fast, look for a spiritual mentor, and write every day.

It's hard. Go figure.

Starting new habits and unlearning old ones is a birth of sorts, a growing pain. It follows the Rule of St. Benedict's paradox: when you strip away down to the minimum of anything it seems sterile at first, but then creativity grows out of that longing.

Creativity and strength of character are growing out of my longings and it is beautiful. The new habits are starting to feel normal and I am reaping the benefits of these changes. I want to overcome my self. To take away my worthless material things, my careerism, my comfortable lifestyle. I want to be uncomfortable in this temporal world, I am searching in my loneliness for self-worth and joy that is divine.

Be aware of your dreams. Be aware of your self. Be aware of God.

Making a Scene- Devoted and Disgruntled

2010-11-22T12:08:00.000-08:00

This Friday I am attending Greater Vancouver Professional Theatre Alliance's (GVPTA) annual conference called Making a Scene: Devoted and Disgruntled. I recently read a blog post about the nature of this conference and I was very impressed. I have heard about the concept of Open Space before (during our summer tour) and I strongly believe it works in community building. Which is what this conference is all about.

There are still spaces available if this interests you at all, artist and audience members alike, and you can register online. Prices are purposefully low so that everyone is able to attend. It takes place this Friday and Saturday (Nov. 26 and 27). There is also a Social Bar happening on Friday evening for anyone to attend as well if you cannot make it to the conference so consider coming out!

This is a blog post by Sue Porter, GVPTA Executive Director, explaining Open Spaces:

By Sue Porter, GVPTA Executive Director

So, we’ve been talking a lot about the upcoming Making a Scene Conference and crowing about how excited we are that it will be held in a brand new format – Open Space. Well, that’s all well and good for us to say, but you may be asking yourself, “What is Open Space anyway, and why the heck are they so excited?”

When I was first approached with this idea and the possibility of having Improbable Theatre come over to lead us through it, I went to Improbable”s website where Phelim McDermott had posted his thoughts on Open Space. Open Space was originally created by Harrison Owen and has been used around the world since 1985 (for more on the history of Open Space, click here), but in reading Phelim’s description, here is what got me excited right away:

The Four Principles Of OPEN SPACE

Whoever comes is the right people.
Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
Whenever it starts is the right time.
When it is over, it is over.

THE ONE LAW of OPEN SPACE – THE LAW OF TWO FEET:
If at any time you find yourself in any situation where you are neither learning nor contributing… use your two feet.

And finally,

Typically by the conclusion of a meeting, the following promises have been kept:

Every issue of concern to anybody has been laid upon the table.
All issues have been discussed to the extent that anybody cared to do that.
A full written record of all discussions exists and is in the hands of all participants.

How cool is that??

I began to envision our Making a Scene conference in this format – as an “extended coffee break” where people of like minds get to sit together and really talk about issues that matter most to them in a relaxed and informal atmosphere. Lynn Gardiner, theatre critic for the Guardian in the UK, attended one of Improbable’s “Devoted & Disgruntled” conferences in London and wrote,

“It was an exhausting and energising 48 hours made all the better by the fact that experienced theatre-makers rubbed shoulders on equal terms with those just starting out in the profession, those who create live art sat cheek by jowl with those who put on plays, people from touring companies could talk directly with artistic directors running buildings, and producers, actors, marketers, directors and, yes, even critics, were all on an equal footing.”

Imagine a group where we become each other’s teachers and leaders! Imagine a group of participants that includes not only theatre “professionals”, but EVERYONE who loves theatre and cares about the future of the arts in this province. The more I learn about Open Space, the more I am coming to understand that this conference will be highly productive and highly rewarding, but in a uniquely different way than a traditional conference. It will also probably be a bit chaotic, incredibly energizing and, I expect, A LOT OF FUN! No one will be in control, no one will be the “expert”, and this whirlwind of activity will be guided by the simple principles listed above, and the skillful help and guidance of our expert facilitators, Phelim and Matilda.

What will come out of this conference? I envision that the discussions begun during the conference will lead to more in depth considerations. Perhaps it will provide the GVPTA with topics for future workshops. Perhaps it will spawn task-forces of like-minded individuals. Perhaps it will lead to future mini D&D’s on a regular basis, hosted by the GVPTA. Most importantly, I hope that it will re-invigorate and re-energize our community. Lord knows the last year has beaten us all down a little bit. But it is entirely within our capabilities to bolster each other up, to find cooperative means of mutual support and empowerment, to discover new and creative means to approach the challenges that face us, and to reconnect with the art, the artists and the love of the craft that drew us into the theatre in the first place.

Am I being naive and idealistic to expect such lofty goals from two days? Perhaps. What can I say? I’m a cup half full kind of girl. And I believe that this community has great power, great passion and more than enough great ideas to make all of this possible. And I’m more excited about this conference than I have been about any conference in a long time.

‘Nuff said. I look forward to continuing the conversation with all of you on Nov. 26 & 27th.

New-ish stuff

2010-11-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

My soul is travelling through the darkness
the muck
the stench
body swaying
tripping and falling
every direction is a new way out

You are my lesbian love
My creator
The divine gay

Stuck in my sinful sludge
rehearsing mistakes
over and over
careful
methodic
breathing doesn't come easy

start over.
self. edit.

I had a dream...

2010-06-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

The world was ending. The sky was dark and clouded. I was travelling in a vehicle on a busy freeway with people. I don't know who they were. By busy I mean slow moving, cars were going off the road, some were on fire. General chaos.

Surrounding the freeway was wasteland. Burning, scorched, and flat.

We pulled over on the side of the road. There was a plain, wooden, one room shack. There was no signage anywhere except the door. The sign on the door read 'Humor'. We went in and started to come to life. Sheets of paper were passed around. Ideas were shared and written down. We laughed til we cried. We cried til we laughed. We stayed there.

Humor saved us in the end.

Montreal and Ottawa

2010-06-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

We had a day in Montreal and a day in Ottawa with shows back to back. Our Montreal show was smaller, more intimate but an attentive audience.

The Ottawa show was in an amazing space, St. Michael and All Angels Anglican Church, right downtown. Walking into the space you could tell that this congregation is vibrantly alive and well. The room had tons of natural light shining through windows all around and a huge skylight (what kind of a church has a skylight). There was art hanging all over the room that was made by the people in the congregation. They had a BBQ before the show and a lot of people ended up coming to see our show. We had a Q and A afterward and the discussion was wonderful.

I love my job.

We are now in Toronto staying at the St. John's Convent while we slightly rejuvenate and get ready for the next stretch of our trip.

Newfoundland

2010-06-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

This is our last day in St. John's, Newfoundland. So far we have done two shows and seen many many beautiful sights. We went to Signal Hill, Cape Spear, and the notorious George Street to name a few. St. John's is very welcoming and gorgeous. I have to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here.

Tomorrow we are flying back to Toronto where we will be pimping out our tour van (we're hoping for a hot tub in the back) and spending the rest of the day in Guelph. On Wednesday we drive to Vankleek Hills (halfway between Ottawa and Montreal). Our next show is in Montreal and then we continue west from there.

WOW

2010-06-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

I hardly have words for yesterday. We performed in the morning for about 575 people and the response has been unreal. It was streamed live on the internet (which is definitely not the same experience) but nonetheless, people from all over the country are now trying to get us to their town.

I am brought to tears regularly from people coming up to me and telling me how the show affected them. And 20 times a day I say to myself, "This is why I do what I do". We have created a piece of theatre that is important and deeply moving. People laugh one minute and the next second tears are streaming down their face. I am overwhelmed by this response and the way I have been treated by the Anglican Church of Canada. We were invited to the Synod banquet last night where we all sat at different tables and I ended up sitting at a table near the front of the room with the lady who financed the whole dinner and a bishop and some priests. And I had this out of body experience where I watched myself captivate these people and talk to them about giving ourselves permission to fail, eliminating judgement in the workplace and in our lives (are you laughing yet, because I am). I am 20 years old. I am talking to people who are in positions of power and authority. And clear as a bell it came to me, I am here for a reason. I have important things to tell these people and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. This church is dying and they need passionate young people and I have been given a chance to speak and you better believe I'm going to take that chance. This church needs us and we need this church.

I wrote this prayer in the middle of May:

Lord hear my prayer:

In all my loudness, let me stop long enough to hear your deafening silence. In all my pride, let me constantly fall on my face. In all my bitterness, let me open my eyes to grace. In all my vanity, let me become frustrated with the pettiness. In all my criticism, let me make room for redeeming qualities. In all my confidence, give me humility. In all my working, let me understand I will reap what I sow. In all my loving, let me know the heart of a servant. In all my reading, allow me to remember the knowledge worth remembering. In all my decision making, allow me to realize the tiny reality in which I live. In all my discipline, allow me the ability to break the rules. In all my speaking, let me say something worth saying. In all my happiness, let me acknowledge those who weep. In all my weeping, let me do away with self-consciousness.

In all my life, let me create.

New Day

2010-06-04T05:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you thank you thank you

If you have emailed me, thought about emailing me, prayed for me, have thought about praying for me.

It struck me yesterday how lonely this whole touring thing is. I would not feel nearly as grounded if I did not have all the texts, messages, phone calls etc. that I get on a DAILY basis. You are all incredible.

We have finished both our preview shows with talkbacks and I'm currently sitting in a home in one of the wealthiest parts of Toronto, a hop and a skip away from Yonge street. Yes, I am a fan of billeting. I am also so very spoiled.

We had a variety of people come to our show yesterday and the day before. Yesterday we had some theatre people from Toronto come, some theatre educators, actors in film and theatre, producers and directors. The general consensus in terms of reaction to the show is inspiring for me. People are blown away at our connection onstage and the focus. We got a comment yesterday about how seamless our transitions were and if you are a student of Aaron Caleb or Angela Konrad, that makes you very very happy. Long story short, I am very encouraged and ready to rehearse some more today.

Halifax tomorrow!

Gah

2010-06-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

Okay it's official. I'm the worst updater ever.

This past month has been beyond inspiring. I feel like we have created a gift to bring to the Anglican church and communities of faith across the country. What we have created is very special and I am proud of my work and even my personal discoveries along the way.

I have been reading The Confessions of St. Augustine and he has somehow ended up in our play. I like that. I like that our group embraces conflict and community and we are very VERY different but so supportive of each other's journey. We laugh A LOT. We cook together, I think there is something healing about that. Somehow all of the shit of our lives ends up being shared in the kitchen. Or around the table. Or in our favourite tree we climb.

We start travelling tomorrow and I expect I will be updating you a lot more in order for you to know when to come see me! We leave tomorrow morning for a preview in Guelph tomorrow night. On Thursday we leave for Toronto and have a preview and talkback that night. We have Friday off in Toronto and then on Saturday we leave for Halifax and our first performance is next Tuesday.

I emailed two of my professors from Trinity and thanked them profusely for making me work hard at my craft and training us the way they do. Everything I have learnt is enabling me to create to the best of my ability. And I mean that. I feel like I am doing everything to the best I possibly can as Karyn and I am working hard at it. I feel grounded and confident as an artist and person.

If you pray, I would appreciate prayers. If you email, I always love a good letter although I can't guarantee a response.

Here's our collective blog

Karyn

Almost a Week

2010-05-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it hasn't even been a week yet. It feels like ages have gone by.

There were a lot of bonding moments with the company this week. One of our cast members decided to go home because of personal issues so we are down to 5 actors. We have laughed A LOT these past couple of days. These are some funny people and they are always making me pee my pants. We are all very different but I am glad I am learning so much from them.

I'm currently sick with a cough and cold which doesn't make rehearsals very energizing so if you pray, maybe you could pray for health. I'm also struggling with homesickness and that is challenging as well because I would like to put my heart and soul into this project without thinking about home all the time. These last couple of days have been better. I think it will take time.

We have drum circles almost every night. In fact, there is one happening right below me as I type (I live on the second floor of our house). Our producer has a collection of african drums, or that style at least, and a bunch of wooden instruments so we are usually singing together and making music. I like living with hella creative people. Last night we sang 'Single ladies' to just drums. I thought it went really well.

My days are spent in rehearsals and making meals with the rest of the company. We have 3 hours of rehearsal in the morning, and 3 hours in the afternoon and then we have the evening to prepare for the next day so things are always quite busy around here.

I think I might have to go join the drum circle...

Arrived

2010-05-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm here! I got here Tuesday night but it has been hard to get ahold of internet so here I am. I don't even know what day it is actually but I know it's been a couple days. Just checked my phone, it's Thursday.

There's so much to tell, I don't even know where to begin. This summer is exactly what I want to do with my life.

Here's part of a journal entry I wrote on May 5:

"I go through phases of loving the simplicity of this place and then feeling like I want to reject it. Sometimes I really want to be here and sometimes I just want to hop on the next plane home. My reactions are violent but within. Wild, but contained. The streets are so quiet at night, so calm. The room is simple, so simple, but old and antique. I feel like a queen living here. A queen without a watch or a cellphone or internet. My mind is beginning to clear, duh Karyn, of course you are reacting strongly to this. A lot of your ways of fake communicating and connecting with people have been taken away, of course you feel this way. This new way is fearful, strange, and a little bit unknown. Okay a lot unknown. You will have to acquire new ways of communicating and expressing that don’t involve updating your status."

This is a very peaceful place and I constantly find myself inspired, although exhausted as well. The company is mostly talking and doing different warmups and skill games right now but soon we will get into writing and exploration.

Oh we also have a lovely producer who, for the first week, is cooking us AMAZING meals. Homemade everything. It is tasty.

Their attitudes differ

2010-04-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

i

To understand
each other: anything
but that, & to avoid it

I will suspend my search for
germs if you will keep
your fingers off the microfilm
hidden inside my skin

ii

I approach this love
like a biologist
pulling on my rubber
gloves & white labcoat

You flee from it
like an escaped political
prisoner, and no wonder

iii

You held out your hand
I took your fingerprints

You asked for love
I gave you only descriptions

Please die I said
so I can write about it

After all you are quite
ordinary: 2 arms 2 legs
a head, a reasonable
body, toes & fingers, a few
eccentricities, a few honesties
but not too many, too many
postponements & regrets but

you'll adjust to it, meeting
deadlines and other
people, pretending to love
the wrong woman some of the
time, listening to your brain
shrink, your diaries
expanding as you grow older,

growing older, of course you'll
die but not yet, you'll outlive
even my distortions of you

and there isn't anything
I want to do about the fact
that you are unhappy & sick

you aren't sick & unhappy
only alive & stuck with it.

yes at first you
go down smooth as
pills, all of me
breathes you in and then it's

a kick in the head, orange
and brutal, sharp jewels
hit and my
hair splinters

the adjectives
fall away from me, no
threads left holding
me, I flake apart
layer by
layer down
quietly to the bone, my skull
unfolds to an astounded flower

regrowing the body, learning
speech again takes
days and longer
each time / too much of
this is fatal

-Margaret Atwood

We are supposed to bring along things that inspire us on this trip. I am bringing my book of poems by Emily Dickinson and Margaret Atwood. I'm also bringing The Mind of the Maker by Dorothy Sayers. It's going to be a 'Wonderful Women of the World' summer. Any women of the past or present inspire you? Leave me a comment and let me know.

PS. 4 days til I leave.

A Job That Pays?

2010-04-21T12:04:00.001-07:00

I leave in less than two weeks on a brand new adventure. Away from these people, this home, this life.

I'm travelling across Canada with a theatre company from Toronto. I get to write a play with other actors and directors from across the country and then tour our masterpiece to all the major cities and a few others aaaall summer. Sigh. I also get to see my family in Saskatchewan. Did I mention I was excited?

So here's where you come in internet. I'm supposed to be interviewing people before I leave about their faith experiences. I want to challenge myself by interviewing people very different from myself. This could mean physically different, religiously different, or socially different. Anything that makes us not in all the same descriptive categories in some way. If you are interested, please leave a comment on this post.

TED Talk

2010-04-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

It is funny to me how many people have sent me this link. It's almost like theatre is important to me or something. Enjoy.

Patsy Rodenburg: Why I do Theatre

I love my job. yes. no. kill me now.

2010-04-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

What a semester.

I feel grounded now, at peace with my life, more hopeful than I've ever been, and I can do anything. I can do anything I want to. I've ran into many people from my past in these last couple of months and the general consensus is one of hopelessness. These people had all sorts of dreams when I knew them in high school and beyond. And now they are working at Starbucks wondering how they can become the manager or new shift supervisor. It's like they peaked in high school and believing that they could do what they wanted with their lives stopped there. How sad.

Please do a job you love, whoever you are. I am basking in the goodness that is my life right now, not without its troubles mind you, but on the whole I am very very happy and content. A rarity among my friends I am finding. I am reading the Anti-Theatrical Prejudice by Jonas Barish right now and although it's slow reading I am finding myself appalled at how counter-cultural theatre and acting really is. I finally had to ask myself, am I willing to constantly be fighting to be taken seriously, to tell the truth in the face of a stubborn society, and to always know that I am both adored and loathed?
Yes. Yes yes yes a million times yes.

Do something that instills passion in you. Do not choose a profession or a lifestyle out of obligation, money, anger, or vengeance even. Do it because it gives you life. Makes you laugh, makes you cry, forces you into relationship, causes you to be wise, wills you to be good and to do good.

Shamless Plug

2010-03-14T18:52:00.001-07:00

Almost forgot...

As You Like It opens this week at Trinity Western University.

There is a preview performance on Tuesday night for half price and opening night is Wednesday.
The run is Mar. 16-27

Come and enjoy side splitting comedy and a night of Bard!

I love a man who knows his languages...

2010-03-14T18:34:00.001-07:00

tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner- to understand everything is to forgive everything

The phrase my boyfriend keeps gently reciting to me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness these days. He's right. As per usual. If we knew about and understood everything a person has experienced, we would forgive them everything.

Tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner!

Here's to trying...and grace when failing

2010-03-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

You broke me then
You break me now
I stand before you ready to defend my dignity
No need, you do it for me
I am gold, you say, I am pure gold
Oh what you could be if your actions met your words
Oh! what your soul would sing if you listened to the unconventional truth of your future instead of your past.
Do your weary heart a favor and erase the bad memories with me
Put the good ones in your pocket
Save them for later
Don't be happy, don't even think about it
You face says you win, your heart says you lie
I wish you would die.

Epilogue

I've rehearsed it
Over and over
After all that
thinking
All i've come
up with
is
hi.

What brilliant words I have stumbled upon...

2010-02-17T22:56:00.000-08:00

No Coward Soul Is Mine

No coward soul is mine
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere
I see Heaven's glories shine
And Faith shines equal arming me from Fear

O God within my breast
Almighty ever-present Deity
Life, that in me hast rest
As I Undying Life, have power in Thee

Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts unutterably vain,
Worthless as withered weeds
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main

To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by thy infinity
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of Immortality

With wide-embracing love
Thy spirit animates eternal years
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates and rears

Though Earth and moon were gone
And suns and universes ceased to be
And thou wert left alone
Every Existence would exist in thee

There is not room for Death
Nor atom that his might could render void
Since thou art Being and Breath
And what thou art may never be destroyed

"Still, let my tyrants know, I am not doomed to wear
Year and year in gloom and desolate despair;
A messenger of Hope comes every night to me,
And offers, for short life, eternal liberty.

He comes with western winds, with evening's wandering airs,
With that clear dusk of heaven that brings the thickest stars;
Winds take a pensive tone, and stars a tender fire,
And visions rise and change that kill me with desire-

"Desire for nothing known in my maturer years
When joy grew made with awe at counting future tears;
When, if my spirit's sky was full of flashes warm,
I knew not whence they came, from sun or thunderstorm;

"But first a hush of peace, a soundless calm descends;
The struggle of distress and fierce impatience ends;
Mute music soothes my breast- unuttered harmony
That I could never dream till earth was lost to me.

"Then dawms the Invisible, the Unseen its truth reveals;
My outward sense is fone, my inward essence feels-
Its wings are almost free, its home, its harbour found;
Measuring the gulf it stoops and dares the final bound!

"Oh dreadful is the check- intense the agony
When the ear begins to hear and the eye begins to see;
When the pulse begins to throb, the brain to think again,
The soul to feel the flesh and the flesh to feel the chain!

"Yet I would lose no sting, would wish no torture less;
The more that anguish rack the earlier it will bless;
And robed in fires of Hell, or bright with heavenly shine,
If it but herald Death, the vision is divine."

She ceased to speak, and we, unanswering turned to go-
We had no further power to work the captive woe;
Her cheek, her gleaming eye, declared that man had given
A sentence unapproved, and overruled by Heaven.

Emily Bronte

It says in the notes at the bottom of the page as a footnote to the title, "According to Charlotte Bronte, these are the last lines written by her sister".

I am overcome by this piece of art.

Behold

2010-02-10T23:58:00.001-08:00

This is from the Christmas times.

Behold the lamb of God
Behold the still street
The sleeping world awaits me
I run through the air
My lungs get caught in the musty
mother of the night
Fog drips onto my face like dew
No care in the world for the moment
Surprising.
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
most days.
Not this one
Surely he hath bore our griefs and carried our sorrows.
Am I to love the inconvenient and the annoying?
Is that my purpose?
He was despised, he bore Sorrow
Sorrow pitted deep
in pain and bitterness
Get out. Get out damned spot.

I wrote this while listening to Handel's Messiah

This is the New Year

2010-01-14T21:10:00.000-08:00

"The gracious person loves without worrying about whether the person he loves is worthy of his love. Or perhaps it would be better to say that the gracious person sees what is valuable in the person he loves, and does not worry about whether it is more or less valuable than what could be found in someone else he might have loved."
-Robert Merrihew Adams

I have a hard time loving people. There are just so many unlovable people out there. It is appropriate then, for this convinction of grace to fall upon me this coming year. I can be so cynical, unforgiving, grudge-holding, and let's be honest, just plain hateful sometimes. What is it in us that creates a gentle spirit. A gracious spirit. How do I learn how to live well by reversing my way of thinking?

A large task ahead of me I'm sure.

Read Rilke if you would like to feel good about yourself.

It's that time

2009-11-29T13:13:00.000-08:00

Auditions.

I dread them before, I love them during, I hate them after.

I am terrified of being under-prepared, over-prepared beforehand.

I love my ability to be myself in front of people I don't know, to be open with them and make good impressions. I love the adrenaline and competitiveness that I get during an audition.

I hate knowing the results. I hate feeling guilty if I get a role, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I deserved it, I hate seeing the disappoint in people's faces, I hate being treated differently by friends.

All of this passes in time. I am impatient, the process is different for everyone.

In case you haven't heard...

2009-11-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

This next week in Vancouver is The Wrecking Ball.
It is a rally of sorts to create awareness of all the government funding cuts to the arts.

This Monday night at the Vogue theatre. For FREE. 8pm the fun begins.

More info here:
http://thewreckingball.ca/performances/358/the-wrecking-ball-vancouver

If the arts are important to you, you should probably be there.

Jesus

2009-11-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

Jesus
by Page France

I will sing a song to you
And you will shake the ground for me
And the birds and bees and old fruit trees
Will spit out songs like gushing streams
And Jesus will come through the ground so dirty
With worms in his hair and a hand so sturdy
To call us his magic we call him worthy
Jesus came up through the ground so dirty
I will sing a song for to you
And you will stomp your feet for me
And the bears and bees and banana trees
Will play kazoos and tambourines
And Jesus will dance while we drink his wine
With soldiers and thieves and a sword in his side
And we will be joy and we will be right
Jesus will dance while we drink his wine
Jesus will come through the ground so dirty
With worms in his hair and a hand so sturdy
To call us his magic we call him worthy
Jesus came up through the ground so dirty
Jesus came up through the ground so dirty
Jesus came up through the ground so dirty
Jesus came up through the ground so dirty

Please listen to this song. It has got me excited from a place deep within. I think it is my soul. The bolded lines are the lines that jumped out at me when I first heard this song. What beauty. "And we will be joy and we will be right"- I am having a hard time finding joy right now. It seems to be that my magic has left me. But this song has reminded me of an experience that still brings me a bit of joy. It has been tainted, that is certain, but not lost. Because for me, Jesus has already come through the ground so dirty with worms in his hair. He picked me up, spun me around and called me His magic.
In that moment, I was Grass Grass, I was his lover, child, and delight. A moment so pure with ecstacy, I felt exploding inside myself.
And that memory, you will never take away from me.

K

I'm going to cry if I want to...

2009-06-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, at least I know one person who reads my blog and all the credit is due to her for the wonderful entertainment I recieved yesterday by going to see the Arts Club performance of Les Miserables. A friend of mine plays Cosette in the show and does a divine job of it. If you have not bought tickets, they extended the show for another two weeks and they are selling out fast! Buy them!

On days when I do not trust my own writing I rely on others. Rilke, to be more precise. My search for greatness this week culminates in this passage from 'Letters to a Young Poet',

"If you trust in Nature, in what is simple in Nature, in the small Things that hardly anyone sees and that can so suddenly become huge, immeasurable; if you have this love for what is humble and try very simply, as someone who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier for you, more coherent and somehow reconciling, not in your conscious mind perhaps, which stays behing, astonished, but in your innermost awareness, awakeness, and knowledge...I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try and love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."

There is nothing more prominent that I am learning right now than to live my questions. There is nothing else I can do. And the more I become in tune with my questions, hopefully I will grow to live in some sort of answers. Most of the things I catch myself caring about, I don't want to care about. Who cares how blonde my hair gets in the summer? Who cares how much money I have? How many books I read? What kind of car I drive? How much I do for others? How much they do for me? I am guilty of all these things and so so many more. In church we talked about Mark 9:33 where the disciples discuss greatness. I feel so pressured into greatness, coming from the family I have and going into the profession I am, both of which subliminally tell me that if I am not great, I am not much. Jesus taught that to achieve greatness is to be a servant to all. This morning in my mind I was whining to myself about how I had planned my birthday activities this weekend and how unfair it was that I was not treated like some sort of royalty, blah blah, blah...poor me. I was reminded by the excerpt above and the passage from Mark that those things in themselves do not mark my greatness It is when I am a servant like I was this weekend, except without realizing it like Rilke states, that I am indeed great. Maybe this is more confusing than it needs to be, but it makes sense to me.

Unconscious Desire

2009-06-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Funny thing, I looked in my writing file today and I clicked on the Word Document labelled 'Unconscious Desire' and this is what popped up. I do not even remember these words. I guess it really was an unconscious desire.

Wild abandon to all things lovely

To all things beautiful.

Caress my heart, my cares.

Man, filthy being, your heart is empty and your insides rotten.

I could never...stops. No, that is a lie I tell myself.

I wish my heart was open and your love could slide in.

I wish, I wish, I wish a lot of scenarios.

None of them being real or true or ever even possible for you!

What do I wish that could really truly happen?

Let God be God and man be man.

Ah yes I remember now. This was about the construction workers. I hope this June for you is lovely because all I seem to be hearing are stories of pain, frustration, and anger. It seems to be a phase in my world right now. I am doing surprisingly well despite these heart-wrenchers. It is causing me to think and write and for this I am thankful. I am taking a playwriting class/mentorship/whatever you want to call it with Lucia Frangione as well. I will leave you with a verse I have recently discovered and labelled MINE.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carring sheaves with him"
Psalms 126: 5-6 NIV

Song of the Day:
See by Maclean
-This may or may not be a plug for a dear friend who is in this band and internet, if you do not know this band, you should. Some excellent tunes.

That song I sing

2009-05-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them" - Henry David Thoreau

This will not be me. There is a time for silence and a time for awakening. This is my awakening. I am constantly aroused by literature, music, theatre, and dance. Especially when they are combined into a single performance. This is what I will seek after. Thoreau is right and the separation I have found in the world has erupted in me and the thick, sitting silence has parted. The song will come out.

The Quiet World

2009-04-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly I say I only used fifty-nine today
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

-Jeffrey McDaniel

Hope this helps

2009-04-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that some do not know the correct use of the term "fundamental". So with courtesy of Dictionary.com, I have provided a definition below:

fun⋅da⋅men⋅tal

–adjective

1.	serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying: fundamental principles; the fundamental structure.

2.	of, pertaining to, or affecting the foundation or basis: a fundamental revision.

3.	being an original or primary source: a fundamental idea.

4.	Music. (of a chord) having its root as its lowest note.

–noun

5.	a basic principle, rule, law, or the like, that serves as the groundwork of a system; essential part: to master the fundamentals of a trade.

Also called fundamental note, fundamental tone. Music.

a.	the root of a chord.

b.	the generator of a series of harmonics.

7.	Physics. the component of lowest frequency in a composite wave.

I hate the radio

2009-04-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. You try putting up a show, going to school full time and blogging. Yeah, not so easy.

That's really a lame excuse. The main reason why I haven't posted, and a current predicament of mine is that words fail me. They fail me. I get so frustrated with them. They do not express what I am feeling most of the time. I have put my trusty notebook aside for the time being and I am focusing more on other's words, because obviously men like Merton and Fromm still know how to use them effectively. I feel a little defeated by my language.

"In the act of creation man transcends himself as a creature, raises himself beyond the passivity and accidentalness of his existence into the realm of purposefulness and freedom"

- Erich Fromm

Junior Boy

2009-02-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

Watch the sun come up

Go on and leave

Coffee is all you mean to me

anyway

And I have that.

Mornings alone smile my insides

And give me rest.

Peaceful rest.

Sway to the song

Remember the music

That brought me to you.

The Lord is my keeper

I shall want and want and want.

When first things are first

2009-02-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."

-C.S. Lewis

My parents had this quote on their wedding invitations. I think it is true.

Mmm

2009-02-04T15:16:00.000-08:00

"After all everybody, that is, everybody who writes," said Gertrude Stein, "is interested in living inside themselves in order to tell what is inside themselves. That is why writers have to have two countries, the one where they belong and the one in which they live really. The second one is romantic; it is separate from themselves, it is not real but it is really there."

- G. A. Harrison, "Gertrude Stein's America"

You make me feel five...and it's the best feeling.

2009-02-04T02:29:00.000-08:00

You make me feel five

Blonde sunshine hands in the air

Yellow flowers fanning love

Where's that dirt?

Anything you want, you got it.

Anything you need, you got it.

Anything at all, you got it.

- Karyn Guenther and Roy Orbison

Still alive

2009-02-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

I'm falling in love with Bon Iver. He's my new music crush. That and Lenka. Some good artists if you would like to check out.

You may wonder where I have been for so long. You may not.

I've been working on a new show, which is completely opposite of the last one. I'm an asian god in The Good Woman of Setzuan by Bertolt Brecht. I am learning heaps simply by exploring. It's been a good experience so far. Dates will follow.

I've also been seeing some good theatre. Last night I went to see The Constant Wife at the Stanley Theatre on Granville. If you see any theatre this month, see that show. I was delighted and charmed, I could not stop smiling. I would even go again.

Holy Mo opens at Pacific Theatre this week, Feb. 6. Make sure you get out to see that show.

One Thing I Love:
Going to theatre alone
Song of the Day:
For Emma by Bon Iver

Perfect Fear

2009-01-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

I was only on the fourth page or so before I got that choking feeling in my throat.
Twenty seconds later the sob came out. I hardly ever read such honest and vulnerable writing.
Grief has a way of doing that.
I'm reading a book for a new idea that is in my head. I shouldn't say new, it's been in there for awhile, but newish.
I want to be able to write like that. My heart out on the page. My craving is to be understood. My desire is to be noticed. But then I realize the amount of sacrifice that takes. There is a part of me that wants to hold and nurture it all inside. And yet there is a stronger force telling me this must come out, I need to come out. Need to.

So I will write it. There cannot be fear of failure. There cannot be fear. My love for art is becoming a perfect love that constantly casts out fear.

Not Today

2009-01-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

I wanted to hold your hand and walk with you through foreign lands
Unsure of where this road might lead, never once thought to stop me
Weather does not determine whether or not I'll get lost in my thoughts
And tell time by the sun overhead, longing for things unsaid

Today there's still pain
I know I've got to move on but it's just not the same
And anything that I say won't make sense, not today, not today

And I'll walk through this forest alone
While the birds above sing of home
Moon, rise up fast and shed your light
Change this dark day into night
'If only' the words that keep the here from there
No longer hold their scare
Because 'if only' were to happen here
It still would not take my tears

Today there's still pain
I know I've got to move on but it's just not the same
And anything that I say won't make sense, not today
It's like pretending you're find
That you're okay but not today

I'm crying out for God, I'm crying for the things I love

Today, there's still pain
I know I've got to move on, but it's just not the same
And anything that I say won't make sense, not today
It's like pretending you're fine
That you're okay, but not today, not today

- Brendan Kwiatkowski

Babies

2009-01-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

Bringing to your attention a new baby blog that has been born.

He was in the last show with me.
Just to let you know.

Forever Ago

2009-01-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

Urgh I know. Haven't posted in awhile. I started school again this week, which is proving to be yet again amazing.

Usually I post pieces I have written about a month prior to posting but here's where I've been at recently.

Waiting. All I do is wait.

Falling. All I do is fall.

Doubting. All I do is doubt.

Walking. All I do is crawl.

Waiting. All I do is fall.

Falling. All I do is doubt.

Doubting. All I do is crawl.

Walking. All I do is wait.

Loving. All I see is love.

One Thing I love: pow in whistler. It's blowing my mind right now.
Song of the Day:
Rain by Bishop Allen

God in my

2008-12-26T19:39:00.000-08:00

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

- Be My Everything, Tim Hughes

I was told last week that I had unquestioning faith. I don't think that is true. I question all the time. But like this song, God is in my questions. He is in everything I do. These two stanzas of this song have been the past semester for me. Watching, waiting, hoping, weeping, hurting, healing. I don't think I have ever felt closer to God than in this last fall. I have such a sense of calling inside me that cannot be fulfilled anywhere except theatre. And where there is theatre, there is God. I am not sure of most things but I know, I know He is in theatre and that is where I continue to find Him.

Merry Christmas

To the Spectators

2008-12-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking.
Maybe truth is beautiful in art to the person that looks and sees it.
To the spectator, audience, reader, watcher.
But to the artist, the truth in the art they have created can be horrible and terrifying and not beautiful at all.

That is the only way this book will make sense to me.

I can't get it out of my head.

"It is not a pretty world"

2008-12-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

"I should have destroyed them. Who needs them? What good are they going to do the world? I had painted them; wasn't that enough? No it wasn't enough. They had to be moved into the public arena. You communicate in a public arena; everything else is puerile and cowardly."

"I had not even myself been aware of their power."

"I looked at my right hand, the hand with which I painted. There was power in that hand. Power to create and destroy. Power to bring pleasure and pain. Power to amuse and horrify. There was in that hand the demonic and the divine at one and the same time. The demonic and the divine were two aspects of the same force. Creation was demonic and divine. Creativity was demonic and divine. Art was demonic and divine. The solitary vision that put new eyes into gouged-out sockets was demonic and divine. I was demonic and divine."

"Be a great painter; that will be the only justification for all the pain you will cause. But as a great painter I will cause pain again if I must. Then become a greater painter. But I will cause pain again. Then become a still greater painter. Master of the Universe, will I live this way all the rest of my life?"

- My Name is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok

This book has changed the way I think about truth and art and God and their completeness in each other.

One thing I Love: Rita MacNeill. For some reason she just makes me really happy.
Song:
I've Got the World on a String by Michael Buble

Musings of a Different Day

2008-12-20T21:39:00.000-08:00

The world around me lives, when I am silent
The things around me breathe, when I am still
Motionless I lay, watching the shadows play without me
I can only be.
Summed up in its entirety
is my life before me.
It would be a lie to run away.

I used to think that truth was beautiful. To see something or read something that is true was to see beauty in it.

I don't think that anymore.

I don't know what I think.

The truth is often painful and not beautiful or gratifying at all. Truth reaches and touches something of my soul that is sacred, yet not accepted.

Fools, the Lot of You

2008-12-17T17:10:00.001-08:00

I'm reading My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok right now. I had to read The Chosen last year for an English course which he also wrote. That was the best book I read for that course hands down. If you have never read Potok before, you MUST. You MUST read him. He is a very gifted writer with many important stories to tell.

That's really all I have to say about it. And now a little poem for you.

When did we become so orderly

When did 'son' become the new slang

When did we decide neat boxed houses were the best way to reside

Did we even know we had a choice?

When did wrong become right

When did we decide that living lonely is better than living loving

Who tells us we have spots when all we see are stripes?

One Thing I Love: comfortable silence between friends
Song of the Day:
Heart by Stars

Myth stuff

2008-12-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

My fear has frozen me

Awakening in cold sweat, still

Unable to move with the thoughts swirling through my head

I am motionless

I am the turning point, can't you see my careful actions

Oh Heavens how can I reach you?

What could I ever do to be with you?

Pour out your cries of pain to me all the Earth

I will hold you in your brokenness

What if stillness never comes?

What if stillness isn't here and everything I work towards is meaningless.

My cause isn't worth all my sacrifice and toil

Suddenly nothing makes sense anymore

Feelings of betrayal and pain take over and I begin to grope towards the door.

I stop and feel the strength come back

Up down up down

I find the power to hold your burden in my arms

I know that there is hope for you yet.

One Thing I Love: coffee shops with free internet. A student's friend.
Song of the Day:
Money, Money, Money by Abba

bits of Ryn. Ran.

2008-12-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

Oh how the anguish.
What pain must you have suffered.
If my pain grows so deep and feeds such hungry desires,
then how must your pain have felt?
Did He forsake you?
The darkest hour of history it had to be
Suffering and pain co-exist.
I know this because that has been my experience
Congratulations to you all,
you have found your hopes and dreams in this little endeavour
May you learn and grow in different ways as I have
May you be gloriously rewarded and may all come to see your final product
May you understand the lonely process and the misunderstanding that must, oh it must, ensue.
Glad to have been of help.
Remember the love we have for one another.

Where does the good go?

Christmas Carol

2008-12-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

Song of the Day:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Oh ye brilliant literature

2008-12-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm writing a paper tonight and I was in the zone, researching and all, but I came across this quote about Ibsen and I have to share it.

"Ibsen's message to you is- If you are a member of society, defy it; if you have a duty, violate it; if you have a sacred tie, break it; if you have a religion, stand on it instead of crouching under it; if you have bound yourself by a promise or an oath, cast them to the winds; if the lust of self-sacrifice seize you, wrestle with it as with the devil, and if, in spite of all, you cannot resist the temptation to be virtuous, go drown yourself before you have time to waste the lives of all about you with the infection of that fell disease."

And it goes on. I wish I could write out the entire essay. So interesting. If you've read any of Ibsen you will understand this, if you haven't, hopefully this will make you curious.

Stop signs are optional

2008-12-08T01:09:00.000-08:00

No they aren't. I saw one today and that's the first thought that came to my head.
Then I slammed on my brakes.

Silence no longer.
There is a God.
Whose love for me is deeper than I could ever imagine.
And who answers the deepest desires of my heart with far better things than I could ever hope for.

I should practise intercession more often.

Song of the Day:
SILENCE. NO SONG.

Forbidden Art

2008-12-06T19:22:00.001-08:00

I was explaining to a friend yesterday that I went to see a performance of Handel's Messiah and he gave me the weirdest look. I gave an astonished one back.

"You don't know what the Messiah is?"

"Karyn, not everyone grew up in choir like you did"

"I'm pretty sure Handel's Messiah is one of most well known pieces of music ever written. At least in our Western world."

I brought it up at family dinner tonight and my entire family, including grandparents, agree that the Messiah is a well known piece of music. Not to mention incredibly beautiful and breathtaking.

This got me to thinking. How are we educating our children in regards to the arts? Are they even being educated? As a Christian and an artist, am I showing Christ and truth in my art? Is the Messiah a piece of truth that reflects Christ and should be known?

I came across an article in the latest Christianity Today issue discussing the use of the Messiah in China. The Chinese government decided that "sacred music should disappear". The author of the article states that "the Messiah is one of the greatest examples of Western music; it is also one of the greatest expressions of the gospel (the libretto is pulled directly from Scripture)". Despite this, the government has started to ban seemingly Western sacred pieces such as Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, Brahm's Requiem, and Mendelssohn's Elijah. "While good music is valuable in itself, Christians contribute transcending value when they create beautiful art that carries the gospel" is the central idea or theme of this article and I have to say that I completely agree. There is something in the truth and sometimes awful grace of Christianity that brings us right to our knees in awe of the ultimate Creator. It outrages me that a government with such fundamentally high standards of living would find it acceptable to cut out an important art form from their society. John Nelson, a maestro who has performances around the world is quoted in this article. China may need to see action, "like Nelson's, to cultivate Christian art on the highest level- art for an audience of more than one, art that strives to be something with a long half-life, art that strives to be art, not propaganda. There is no small risk involved, because we never know at the time which art will, in fact, last. Yet despite the risk and difficulty, some of us should be deliberately creating it."

I think for me it is a little bit of both. Part of me is deliberate in creating art and what I create and another part knows that I need to, and out it flows, like it is the most natural thing in the world to me. It makes my heart sad that we live in a world where governing officials have say over what kind of art is created. Knowing that makes me want to create even more. What point is there in holding truth back from a group of people? None.

I will create because He first created, "If we love God with heart, soul, mind, and strength, the church as it worships will contribute to our cultures' riches. And it will have given people the means and motivation to praise God, even in the most unlikely places".

One thing I Love: prayers being answered
Song of the Day:
Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay

Teleology

2008-11-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

"Teleology is the philosophy of ends, the idea that there is a design or purpose in the world, that things must be understood relative to an end".

- Unknown. It was on a card I got opening night.

Let it sink in.

One Thing I Love: silence
Song of the Day:
Boogie Down by MGMT

MYTHIFICATION

2008-11-25T23:09:00.000-08:00

MYTHIFICATION opens tomorrow at Trinity Western University. It runs this week only from Wednesday to Saturday. Come see a student created piece of work.

You ARE missing out if you do not go.

www.twu.ca/theatre

Philosophy of...

2008-11-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

"If pain and action are inseparable, then it follows that the active, creative, sensitive man is doomed to suffer. He is the one who knows that the desire to express or to avoid grief is the impelling force of life- that pain is the Janus-face of joy; but then he becomes aware of the duality of all value. He sees that life and action exist in a perpetual tension between opposites, each of which owes its existence to the presence of the other. This tension is the source of all change and growth, for as night exists only in contrast to day, so night flows eternally into day and day to night again. The life of the race is perpetuated in the flow of natural process from birth to death to birth again; the life of the individual man moves from joy to pain to joy eternally."

- Doris V. Falk, Eugene O'Neill and the Tragic Tension

Eugene O'Neill is my favourite playwright. The more I research modern playwrights the more I realize they were more philosophers of life than playwrights. Or maybe that's what playwrights are. In any case, O'Neill's philosophy much coincides with my own and I feel a kindred connection to this man of sorrow. I don't want to explain this piece of writing because I do not think that is the reason for art. I want to admire it and let it stand on its own. So I will. Take what you will from this. Thirst over it. Taste it fully and let it devour the pains of hunger in your soul.

One Thing I Love: communion
Song of the Day:
Numb by Linkin Park

A Thing of Writing

2008-11-19T02:32:00.001-08:00

That's what I called this. Here's part of a journey i've been on:

"I just want to hold you in your brokenness. Pour out your screams and cries of pain. Leave your burden in my arms. Let me take it. Let. Me. Love. You. That is not impossible. Where is your willing heart? Where is the man I once knew? You have turned to selfish boyish ways that reflect your pride and your hurt. How cowardly, how haughty of you. But I am not angry. I am not movable. I am hurt but not shaken. I know that there is hope for you yet".

This semester I have felt a theme of silence in my life. This is written to someone who, in the last 5 months has silenced me almost completely from their life. I have fought and struggled with silence for the last few months and I still cannot tell you where I stand. Is is good or bad? Right or wrong? When is good? When is bad? Is is necessary?
The answer to all these questions in my head is "I don't know". Because I don't.

When you are forced into silence it causes you to retreat inward where many things are brought forth. Because of my silencer, I have realized many things. The most important being that it does not matter what they do, I could never love them any less. I've learned how to communicate without using words and from a distance. I have learned the power of prayer and the closeness it brings to God. I have also learned the importance of sorrow. When you look at when Jesus walked here, he was filled with sorrow. Laden with it in some sense. I think that the closer we get to God, the more tears we will shed. Tears are a huge form of worship to me.

One Thing I Love: my profession
Song of the Day:
Sugar by The Archies

Sigh

2008-11-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

"last published on Oct. 24"

The first words I read when I sign in. That's depressing. Ah well i'm here now, back in all the old familiar places, ready to bare my soul again to you internet.

First thing is first, if you missed Mourning Dove at Pacific Theatre you should be thoroughly depressed. Because it was one of the most thought provoking pieces of theatre I have seen. Fantastic. My guy friends that came even cried it was so emotional. Very very well done. I can't say it enough.

Now if you want a mediocre piece of theatre, make your way to Studio 58 where you can see The Merchant of Venice running for two more weeks I believe. Some excellent, raw acting without the other elements of theatre. Which I found to be quite distracting. No set, only skirts for some of the ladies for costumes, and, get this, they had prompt books. From graduate students I have to say that I was expecting more. Not having some of the essential parts of theatre made me question whether it really was theatre or not. I was basically watching what could have been a rehearsal with actors calling for lines and sitting around the edge of the stage. For the most part I was unimpressed.

Now if you want to see an absolutely incredible piece of art, may I suggest coming to see Mythification by Trinity Western Theatre Department. It runs from Nov. 26-29 with a matinee on Saturday. For tickets or further enquiries www.twu.ca/theatre is where you want to go. Now I am a tad biased as I am in the show but that means if I so choose I can leak secrets of the story to you. You just have to show me your ticket first. HA.

One Thing I Love: vanilla air fresheners
Song of the Day;
Fljotavik by Sigur Ros

Show Listings

2008-10-24T01:36:00.000-07:00

Couple of shows you should probably go see. And by probably I mean must.

Tartuffe- Trinity Western University Theatre Department
Runs Oct. 22-Nov. 1
Check out the website for more details.

Mourning Dove- Pacific Theatre
Oct. 17-Nov. 15
"Inspired by the Robert Latimer story, this challenging work explores the dilemma faced by a Saskatchewan farm couple whose teenage daughter is wracked by severe and unremitting pain. Can the doctors’ best efforts relieve her suffering? Or should her father pursue another, final alternative? Who gets to play God? A complex play that confounds easy sentimentality with bracing humour, even in the face of great suffering."
CHECK IT OUT

There you have it. Two shows that are a must see. Of course there are many more this fall. Those are just taste tests.

One Thing I Love- coming home to my roomate
Song of the Day-
Masochist by Ingrid Michaelson

I had a request...

2008-10-20T22:48:00.001-07:00

...that I post something that reflects me. Personally I hope all my writing reflects me otherwise I don't think it would be my writing.

For MYTH (current show/project) we have been keeping journals so I looked through and one of the projects I found that we had to do was to write as a witness. To observe something in its natural state and try to write about it completely objectively. So here it goes. Points to the person who guesses what I'm writing about (it's in nature).

Wind its way up the tree, soft and settled
Engulf the branches, simply, without organization
No movement, still as the tree itself
Sunlight falls in select spots
Poised in creation
Grow and live in a peaceful rest

This was such a hard assignment for me. I felt like I failed miserably. The great thing about writing is that there's so much room for experimenting and changing and rewriting. Nothing is set in stone. That piece has been edited a couple times already and I still feel a little unsatisfied. Such is the nature of the art.

This next one is a monologue that I wrote during the rehearsal process in response to a cast member's experience.

Watch me leave because that is what I am doing. Not to spite you, and certainly not because I hate you. But out of love for you. You may not understand that, you may not want that but I am not concerned right now with what you want. It's what you need that I care about most.
Your broken heart is breaking mine and all of a sudden there are no more words for you. My silence is my solace. My gift. My relief.
Maybe you don't need words right now either. Or maybe I don't know what you need or what you want. Maybe I don't even know you at all.
Or maybe, maybe this is all useless and I should just leave.

One Thing I Love: Sunshine and rain at the same time
Song of the Day:
Love Always Remains by MGMT

Fours

2008-10-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

4 Things I Did Today

1. I wrote. This is important to me. Even though I didn't like what I wrote, I still wrote. And edited. And got frustrated. All part of the process.

2. I listened to people. Really listened to them. That's not an easy thing to do and I have to consistantly train myself to because it is not in my nature. I learn so much from other people when I listen.

3. I prayed.

4. I went swimming. My dorm had a little outing. How fun. We had a great time.

4 Things on my To Do List

1. Start writing major papers.

2. Do laundry

3. Acquire loonies to do laundry

4. Get tickets for upcoming shows (I will announce soon)

4 of my guiltiest pleasures

1. Going to McDonalds late at night. Seriously. It has got to stop, it's gotten out of hand. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Freshman 15 came to bite me in the ass in Second Year. Literally.

2. Trying on and sitting in my snowboard gear to get stoked for the season. That happened today. Twice.

3. Snowboarding magazines. They will be the reason i'm broke, not tuition.

4. Buying toques. No one can convince me that I have enough. There's always one more that I don't have.

4 Random Thoughts

1. Bunnies aren't really that cute. They just have a cute name.

2. America's Next Top Model is a great show to get character ideas from. The most interesting people are chosen for that show.

3. I don't know how i'm going to sleep when my roomate is gone this weekend. She's my rock.

4. I found out today that Pirandello wrote a play called "Naked". I have to read it. That's a loaded name if I ever saw one.

One Thing I Love: sharing my story
Song of the Day:
Soft Rock Star by Metric

A nice day in the woods

2008-10-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm certain that the events of yesterday will forever go down in my mind as one of the best rehearsals I have ever been to.
Well at least the most eventful.

It started just as most of our rehearsals start. Everyone frenzied and focused on settling down. Each of us cast members has an opportunity to lead a rehearsal and the girl leading yesterday decided it would be a grand idea to take us to a forest like place just off of campus.
So off we trouped, drove actually, and ended up in this beautiful, enchanted place. You could almost touch the peaceful atmosphere. The trees were far enough apart that light shone through in all the right places.
The ultimate place to have a mythical rehearsal.
We started to explore.
And when I say explore I mean get into character, relate to one another, relate to the nature around us.
Oh maybe I should mention the fact that we were all dressed in characters. So the only male in the cast had dirt all over his face and ripped clothing. I had leaves and flowers in my hair and there were three greek goddesses among us as well.
This must have been quite the sight and sound, as we were yelling and crying as well, to the neighboring people because a couple dropped in on us to tell us that someone had called the cops.
Apparently there were concerns that people were being raped and pillaged and those people were us. And sure enough as soon as we finished talking to them we heard the sirens.

As we were frantically gathering up our things the cops drove up and came to investigate.
Our director talked them out of thinking we were all mad, which i'm not quite sure that we're not, and off we went on our merry way.

I'm leading rehearsal next week.

I can't top that.

One Thing I Love: community. We couldn't exist without it
Song of the Day:
Kids with Guns by Gorillaz

White noise

2008-09-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have no words.
All I hear is silence.

One thing I love: Christ.
Song of the Day:
Rootless Tree by Damien Rice

Creativity

2008-09-25T02:14:00.000-07:00

These are my thoughts, in no particular order. You can feel honoured that you were part of the rehearsal process.

God created, therefore I will create.
Nothing to be scared of, no judgements.
Just ideas.
I am a creative person. I am a creator.
For the Bible tells me so.
I am in awe of the ability to create.
Who utilizes their ability to create?
Who understands that they CAN create?
I am fulfilled in creating.
MYTH is changing my life, already has, in how I view other people (always changing) and how I view myself.
I am worthy of this opportunity.
I am worthy of creating.
Thank you for laughter. For words. For sound.

Cup of Kiss

2008-09-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

There's a person who attended Trinity last year with me and unfortunetly my first year was their last so this year I stand alone.
So here's to the one who loved my sinful self last year

Please come see through these miles to me

I need your wisdom and brotherly advice

Your laughter is healing

Comfort

Upside down worlds with no absolute answers

Always questions

Adventures with no boundaries

Love that's worth having

Life that's worth living

Brilliance in its purest form

This is what you've taught me

Friend.

One Thing I love: brothers, real and pretend
Song of the Day:
Fljotavik by Sigur Ros

Something New

2008-09-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

"But forget all that- It is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland".
Isaiah 43:18-19

You know when you're on the brink of something? Well I think i'm on the brink. Of what? I do not know but my rehearsals are getting me so excited for this semester and this show.
Our show and characters are created completely from Scripture. How can this show not be God ordained? I feel like he has been at every step in this process so far. We are creating something completely new with this show but I think that is only because there is something new being created within us. And I am beginning to see glimpses of it.
He is glorious through our mess.

One Thing I Love: being made to read scripts.
Song of the Day (still on Ben Harper):
I Shall Not Walk Alone by Ben Harper

I'm a creator

2008-09-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

I did a colour test. These were my results.

You're a CREATOR

Key Words:

Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional

These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

I would say that's fairly accurate. Maybe not the romantic side so much. And all I did was click on colours.

One Thing I Love: learning.
Song of The Day:
Welcome to the Cruel World by Ben Harper

Tribute

2008-09-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

- Ben Harper

Busy bears

2008-09-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sincere apologies for the lack of posts.

Today marks one week of living at Trinity. It feels like i've been here forever. Maybe i'm niave but I did have the slight hope that this year would be similar to last year. But of course, it's not. Nothing like it at all. I am excited to see where it takes me, what I learn.

I can't really complain that much because my roomate is incredible. We are both theatre majors and so similar and yet so different all at the same time. I feel we will be good for each other. Plus I have never lived with anyone in my entire life so this year will prove to be interesting.

I may be revamping this blog soon into a school project but I will have to see how that is going to work yet.

One Thing I love: roomates
Song of the Day:
The Three of Us by Ben Harper

2008-09-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

tall grass beyond
structure behind

I sit happily
watching the smoke drift lazily out the window

Parliaments and liquor
Sufjan and laughter

I watch the stars come out
on this night of contentment

Searching for lyrics

2008-08-31T23:33:00.001-07:00

Do you think I can find Steve Bell lyrics to post on here.
Well no, no I can't.

So this post is short. Because everything I wanted to say is wrapped up in this song.

Weeeell...

2008-08-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

I imagine it's about that time.
That time where I post.
About intelligent things.

First I need to tell you, the internet world, about my once in a lifetime airport experience.
I think everyone at some point in their lives needs to have a moment like I did on Saturday.
There was so much anticipation and excitement leading up to the moment when my friend walked through the gates and down the hallway that all Mel and I could do was scream and run. Of course I was the one with tears running down my face as well. And everyone in the International Arrivals staring at us.
It was quite the reunion.

Since then i've been spending every spare minute I have at Trinity, awaiting the beginning of my ever hectic year.
Goodie.
My life has begun to slow. I call it the calm before the storm.

I thought today about play. Everyone needs to play. Some more than others. Some it seems that it's all they do. But to some extent YOU need to play to survive.
So go play.
Do what you want to do for maybe, I don't know, half an hour even.
Something that makes your soul happy and makes you smile inside.

One thing I love: driving by bread factories and smelling fresh bread
Song of the Day:
St. Augustine by Band of Horses

From the Journal:

2008-08-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

"I'm anticipating school with a scared shitless excitement. I know it will mean more amazing people and amazing times. And I know this has been necessary, this summer. It has taught me a lot about myself, allowed me to slow down. Sometimes, ok most times, I resist God and His plan even though I know that every time I go through different stages, it's always worth it. Always. There is nothing that He does that doesn't matter."

It is here. This day has finally arrived. After the longest summer of my life many of my friends are arriving at school today to move in. My happiness cannot be contained. These girls are my lifeline, I don't have to explain any of my situations to them fully because they know me so well. What a good feeling that is.

Ponder while I wander....right?

2008-08-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

I had a friend email me this week with this question and I would love your response and ideas on it:

"I was thinking about Greek theatre and while this concept is NOT original I want to run it by you.

Greek drama is divided into both tragedy and comedy (the two masks) yet don't both of these concepts depend on the perception of pain to get their message across to the audience? This bothers me as I think a full understanding of life entails tragedy and comedy, but if they do both depend on pain, where does this leave us in terms of learning from experience."

I don't quite have a definite answer for this one yet.

One Thing I Love: reuniting
Song of the Day:
Masochist by Ingrid Michaelson

2008-08-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

After reading this post, I ache for school and my incredible professors. These two ladies are both amazing people. Meeting with them is an experience every time. To say I cannot wait is an understatement.

Quotes

2008-08-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

I love belly laughing. When you can feel your stomach shaking when you laugh. That should be the one thing I love today.

As I read The Shack by William Young I underlined some resonating sentences or ideas. Here are a few:

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

"Humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that [God] has for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in [God's] image."

"[Holy Spirit] She is Creativity; she is Action; she is the Breathing of Life"

"But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster."

"Each choice ripples out through time and relationships, bouncing off of other choices. And out of what seems to be a huge mess, [God] weaves a magnificant tapestry."

"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way"

And I will leave you with this,

"Just because [God] works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean [He] orchestrates the tragedies. Don't ever assume that his using something means He caused it or needs it to accomplish His purposes. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colours."

One Thing I Love: belly laughs
Song of the Day:
Adore Adore by Yoav

a mystery

2008-08-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Shocked, heartbroken, appalled. This is what I feel. What I heard tonight saddens me in the deepest parts of my heart. For the few that read this please, please pray for me because I am grieving.
I keep getting knocked to my knees and I have nothing and am nothing but in Him. It causes me to rely and trust on Him so fully. And I know His plans are good. I know from the bottom of my heart that I can expect Him to be good. I am so confused but I refuse to be knocked off the solid rock I stand on.

One thing I love: swimming
Song of the Day:
Die Alone by Ingrid Michaelson

"Let me not outlive my capacity to love"

2008-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite things to do this summer is cook with my roomate. Surprisingly we don't see each other very often but when we do, we usually end up cooking.
Tonight we made alfredo pasta with fried shrimp and, of course, a bottle of wine. Our attempt at class. It was delightful. In fact, this entire evening was delightful.

After dinner I went with my mother and her friend downtown. We made a quick stop at Cafe Crepe before going to see Metamorphoses, the show running right now at Pacific Theatre. The show runs until Saturday.

The cast is mostly made up of graduates from the William Davis Centre for Actors' Study. I have to admit I had a hard time getting into the stories at first but in my opinion the show and the acting got better as the evening progressed. The show was a compilation of stories, myths. A cleverly well written script combined with a more than brilliant set made this show engaging from beginning to end, although moreso nearing the end. This is definitely a show I would recommend seeing for the simple reason of storytelling. I wish I would have seen the actors use movement more to their advantage. There's so much more I thought they could do with what they were given. I wanted to see them play more. Nevertheless it is still a show worth seeing.
A little warning, this show has full nudity so probably not a show to take younger versions of us to.

One thing I love: Sam.
Song of the Day:
State of Emergency by Bjork

Understanding

2008-08-12T02:42:00.001-07:00

In the midst of what seems to be a lifetime of confusion, this line made complete sense to me tonight:

"What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness."

-Marisa de Los Santos

This is why we write books/plays/bibliographies, etc. We hope to find something, a tidbit, that resonates with us, with our story. Theatre was created to be a sharing experience, a live interaction with humans involving each of the sense. In the same way, books are intended for a similar purpose. More of the imagination is involved but there is still that feeling of, "Oh i've been there. Many times before. I UNDERSTAND". We want to know and be reassured that what we feel has already been felt. Someone out there has already gone through this and we immediately connect with that.

One Thing I Love: long emails from friends.
Song of the Day:
Let it all Out by Relient K

Tragedy

2008-08-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

After exploring the Greek tragedies this summer and mulling over different ideas in my head, I have come to the loose conclusion that tragedy is when one party willingly engages, and a force causes the other party to disengage. That, my friends, is tragic.

Soundtrack of my Summer

2008-08-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

List making got me through my first year of university with some sort of sanity.
Today i've been making lists. Things to do before school starts, Days to book off, Schedule for next semester, Things to save for, it never ends. So I decided to make a fun list.

The Soundtrack of my Summer
These songs, put together, create my journey this summer

1. Suicide Medicine by Rocky Votolato
2. Jolene by Ray LaMontague
3. The One I Love by Rufus Wainwright
4. The Shade of Poison Trees by Dashboard Confessional
5. Summer in the City by Regina Spektor
6. Frozen by Tegan and Sara
7. Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty
8. Remember Music by Rocky Votolato
9. You Wreck Me by Tom Petty
10. Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers
11. Nineteen by Tegan and Sara
12. Saving Petals by Brendan Kwiatkowski
13. Remember Me by Steve Bell
14. The Great Salt Lake by Band of Horses
15. Something Beautiful by The Newsboys
16. Prescilla by Bat for Lashes
17. It is Well with my Soul by Jars of Clay